


Seeking

by Luna_Moon22



Category: Zero Escape (Video Games)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Because I can, Biphobia, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, F/M, Heavy Angst, I am gonna change some things, I'll add more if they become relevant, Internalized Biphobia, Junpei between the games, Junpei is dealing with a lot in this fic, Junpei-centric, M/M, Multi, Murder, NaNoWriMo, NaNoWriMo 2020, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Violence, all angst, full of spoilers like spoils literally everything, i can't write anything but angst, like entirely junpei-centric, mostly canon-compliant, oh boy here we go - Freeform, should update once or twice a week, welcome to the angst fest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:09:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 23,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27515872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luna_Moon22/pseuds/Luna_Moon22
Summary: Akane Kurashiki will always be the one who ran once she got what she wanted.And Junpei has to find out why.
Relationships: Alice/Clover Field, Carlos/Kurashiki Akane | June/Tenmyouji Junpei, Carlos/Tenmyouji Junpei, Clover Field & Tenmyouji Junpei, Kashiwabara Hazuki | Lotus & Tenmyouji Junpei, Kashiwabara Hazuki/Seven, Kurashiki Akane/Tenmyouji Junpei, Quark & Tenmyouji Junpei, Tenmyouji Junpei & Seven, Tenmyouji Junpei & Sigma Klim
Comments: 31
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

If the past nine hours have taught Junpei anything, it's just how fast things can change.

Things start to change when he's overruled. When they give up. When the others decide, hours into their chase across the desert, that they aren't going to find those they’ve been after and that it would be best if they all focused on regrouping for now. Maybe take the old man tied up in the back of their vehicle to the police – the one who Junpei keeps seeing with a gun in his hand when he closes his eyes and can't figure out if he's losing his mind or not – and get the rest of them to a hospital. They have just been through an exceedingly traumatic experience, after all. They should at least get a check-up, right?

They all go together. Perhaps it’s some kind of desperate instinct, that compels them to stick together. That tells him that, should he let any of these people out of his sight, he might lose them forever. It’s a ridiculous thought, but it’s one he has nonetheless. He finds himself sitting next to Snake and Clover – she clings to her brother’s arm like he might vanish the moment she lets go, and Snake doesn’t seem to mind it in the slightest – in the waiting room. Seven refused to let Lotus go in for her check-up alone, and she had shockingly granted him permission to join her. 

Junpei assumes that he’ll be next. He doubts that Clover will dare separate herself from Snake – he’ll really have to get used to using their real names eventually – so he’ll likely be going in alone. The thought makes his fingers shake and his throat go dry. He doesn’t want to go in alone. Even if it’s only for a few minutes, even if he knows that they won’t leave without him, he doesn’t want to be on his own. 

He wishes _she_ were here.

“Junpei Tenmyouji?”

He shoots out of his chair suddenly enough that both Clover and Snake seem to jump in alarm. Clover’s hands almost leave her brother’s arm from sheer surprise. Junpei’s voice can’t exactly find itself. He opens his mouth to say something. Say that he’s here, he’s ready, he’s going. He doesn’t want to go yet, but he might as well get it over with, right? He might as well–

“I-“ Clover’s voice breaks the long silence, and Junpei’s head snaps to her. “I-I’ll go with you!” She declares, standing from the chair at his side. Snake stands with her, eyes closed and posture just as composed as ever. Junpei stares at his closed eyes and remembers what they looked like wide and panicked and angry.

~~_”I won’t let you escape.”_ ~~

“Junpei?” Snake’s voice breaks him out of the delusion. He knows it wasn’t real – of course it wasn’t real. Snake and Clover are right there. How could they be dead? – and yet his breath still catches. “Do you mind if we join you?”

“N-No.” He manages to say. His lips twist up into a shaking smile. He doesn’t know if he wants to admit to them just how relieved he is. “Let’s go.”

The nurse looks confused, a bit concerned, as the three of them make their way towards her. One of Clover’s hands remains tight around Snake’s arm. Perhaps the nurse thinks that Clover is guiding him. Though Junpei doesn’t know what her explanation might be for Clover’s other hand, reaching out tangling itself with Junpei’s. 

He wishes it were _her_ hand.

When he glances her way, she gives him a smile. It’s less shaky than his own. More confident. Supportive. As though she knew exactly what was going on and exactly how to fix it. Junpei must admit, as much as he wishes _she_ were here, he doesn’t wish that Clover wasn’t. She squeezes his hand. Gentle and kind and reassuring. The nurse says something about them following her.

Junpei squeezes Clover’s hand back before they follow.


	2. Chapter 2

Luckily, nothing is wrong with them. 

X-Rays are taken, vitals are checked, senses are tested, they’re questioned on symptoms, and it all yields no results. That woman that they picked up along the way – Alice, if Junpei remembers her name correctly – is waiting for them when they exit the hospital. Clover has long since released his hand and gone back to clinging to her brother like the world is going to end if she lets go. Junpei can’t say he blames her. 

Thinking that your other half is dead for almost five whole hours can’t be a pleasant experience.

~~_“We’ll burn together.”_ ~~

Junpei’s head hurts.

“So, will you come with me?” Alice crosses her arms over her chest and stares at all of them with a raised eyebrow. “We’d like to ask you some questions. Assuming that all of you are in good health, would you like to–“

“I need to get home.” Lotus speaks up first. She waves her arm, as though putting her foot down. Her voice is anxious and she moves like a stretched rubber band that’s about to snap in half. Junpei can’t blame her. She has two daughters to get home to.

~~Don’t ask him how he knows that. His answer would be that he just _does_.~~

“It won’t take long.” Alice smiles and Junpei can’t help but think it fake. Maybe it is. He can’t know for sure, but he can know that he really doesn’t like the look of her smile. It sends a chill down his spine and almost gets him to take a step closer to Clover. Almost. If _she_ were here, he might step in front of her. But _she_ isn’t here, and Clover is the next closest person. “And, once you’re done, we’ll even pay for your flights home. What do you say?”

Junpei isn’t sure that he wants to go home.

“Can we have a minute to talk it over?” Seven is the one who speaks up next, and Junpei has to say that he’s grateful that the other man is the one to do so. He thinks, somehow, he’s become the de facto leader of whatever their little group is and it isn’t something he thinks he’s fully equipped to handle right now. His mind is trying to sort through so much information that he doesn’t remember getting, and his body is absolutely aching for something that it can’t have. He thinks he would absolutely qualify himself as a grade-A mess. Maybe he would have called himself that before, too. But now he thinks the term is more accurate than it’s ever been.

“So,” Seven’s voice manages to snap him out of the long train of thought. Junpei has to say, he’s more than grateful for Seven. For everything he’s done and just how calm he’s managed to stay this entire time. Junpei figures it must have something to do with his being a cop, right? He’s equipped to handle stressful situations. He’s equipped to stay calm and prioritize and think of what’s best for himself and the civilians under his protection. Junpei is, decidedly, not that. “What do you guys want to do?”

“I think we should talk to her!” Clover speaks up first. Junpei can’t say he’s surprised. “She said that she’ll get us all home, and if she really works for the government, maybe they’ll be able to catch them!” Her eyes dart up, towards her brother, before she looks back at the rest of them. “I don’t think we’ll be able to catch them on our own, so… I don’t know! They’re the government! This kind of thing is their job!”

Junpei can’t say he disagrees. The way things are going, he doesn’t think they have much chance of catching them. He doesn’t want to hand it off to anyone else, of course. He wants to be the one to find them himself. He isn’t quite sure just yet what he’ll do when he catches them. He’s still figuring that out. But he does know that he doesn’t want it to be anyone else. He doesn’t want to let Alice or her bosses or the government be the ones to find them.

“I agree.” Snake doesn’t say much. Junpei isn’t sure why. He’s been relatively quiet since their escape from the building. Junpei can’t think of the reason why. Perhaps shock? Relief? Snake doesn’t seem the type to get caught up in something as basic as shock, though Junpei has only known him for a total of about 15 hours. He can’t say much about what he’s normally like. “If we wish for June and Santa to be apprehended, it would be best for us to cooperate.”

Junpei isn’t sure that he wants _them_ to be apprehended. 

“Lotus?” Seven turns to her next. Junpei is grateful that he hasn’t been questioned yet.

Lotus takes a moment to think. She holds a hand up to her chin and her eyebrows fold in on themselves, as though she’s trying to think over every pro and con of every situation. It’s certainly an expression that he’s seen on her before. When they were trying to figure out how to go through the 3, 7, and 8 doors. When they knew they had to leave someone behind. Junpei remembers thinking she was heartless for that. He remembers thinking that he wanted nothing to do with her, after that. He thinks he regrets that now. He thinks that he should.

“I guess it couldn’t hurt.” She finally says, crossing her arms over her chest. She’s been shoved into a sweatshirt by Seven, claiming that it was far too cold for her to stay in that outfit from the building. Junpei isn’t sure, but it’s not something he’s willing to dwell on right now. “If it means there’s a better chance of them getting caught, then–”

“I’ll go along.” Junpei’s voice is quiet. He’s even surprised with himself, as all of them turn to him with somewhat wide eyes. They must have thought that, if anyone needed convincing, it would be him. He was the one insisting that they continue the chase across the desert, after all. Him wanting to give it up to the government now is a bit odd, even to him. “She said she’ll send us home, right? So…”

“Yeah, you don’t have the money to pay for a flight home, right?” Seven raises a hand to scratch the back of his head. It’s a gesture that Junpei has seen him do many times over the past… how many hours has it been since he woke up in that room and ran through what he thought was a ship in a panic? 12 hours? 13? No, probably closer to 20. He knows he fell asleep in the van at some point – at least partially at Seven and Snake’s insistence that he get some rest – and he had been dead to the world for… some amount of time.

“Yeah,” Junpei nods, as though that has anything to do with why he would or wouldn’t want to divulge information to the government. Sure, he has absolutely no idea how he would get all the way back to Japan from Nevada of all places. But he definitely doesn’t want to cooperate with the authorities just for the sake of a free ride home. If he really needed to, he could probably call… someone. 

Though, now that it’s on his mind, he can’t think of anyone that he would call.

He snaps himself out of the train of thought. Really, he shouldn’t let that convince him. That’s not the reason he wants to go along. He wants to go along because it means that _they_ are more likely to get caught. If _they’re_ more likely to get caught, then he’s more likely to see _her_ again. He has to admit that there wasn’t anything else on his mind until Seven brought it up. Maybe that’s a bad thing. He should be more worried about how the hell he’s going to get halfway around the world with no money and no one to help him than about finding the woman who kidnapped him and subjected him to a horrifically traumatic death game for the sake of some kind of time travel. He still hasn’t fully wrapped his mind around the specifics, but he does know that _she_ has absolutely changed since middle school.

“Look, Junpei,” Seven snaps him out of the long train of thought. He blinks, only to find that he’s suddenly become the center of attention once again. All those with functional eyes are staring at him, as though waiting for him to make the next move, and he has absolutely no idea what to do next. He can’t exactly admit to completely checking out for the last few minutes – or maybe he can. It isn’t as though they can blame him. They have just escaped a death game – and having no idea what they’re talking about. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” 

Junpei isn’t quite sure where it’s coming from. Does he look that upset?

“Yeah,” Lotus speaks up. She glances towards Seven, as though not entirely sure what she’s saying. He thinks she and Seven must have talked about whatever she’s going to say beforehand. The two of them have been especially… clingy with each other since they all escaped the building. “You told us that you don’t talk to your parents, so…” She glances to the side and raises a hand to rub the back of her neck.

Junpei remembers Lotus saying something about her daughters. Twin girls. Around his age. Nona and Ennea. Kidnapped when they were 12 for about 9 days before they came back. Lotus has been searching for the reason ever since. 

~~Don’t ask him how he knows. Don’t ask him how he knows things that he’s certain she’s never mentioned. He won’t be able to tell you.~~

“If you don’t want to talk to Alice and her bosses, we’ll pay for your ticket home.” Lotus gives him a smile. It looks a little forced, but no less genuine. “And we’ll help you out… anything you need.” She gives him a look that almost… _almost_ looks like pity. Maybe it is. Maybe he deserves their pity. Maybe he is pitiable. God, he’s really trapping himself in a spiral of thoughts here.

“Thanks, you guys.” He smiles as much as he can. “It’s alright, though. It’s not just because of that.” He stuffs his hands into the pockets of his puffy blue vest. Logically, he knows he was only wearing that damned bracelet for a little under 9 hours, and yet the lack of a bulky weight on his left wrist still feels so strange.

~~Don’t ask him which doors he went through. Don’t ask him what he said to the others. Don’t ask him how he knew what the passcode was to Snake’s coffin. Don’t ask don’t ask don’t ask don’t ask–~~

~~He won’t be able to answer.~~

“Alright, if you’re sure.” Seven still looks a little skeptical. Worried, even. Junpei can’t say that he likes the look in the larger man’s eyes, but he also can’t say that he cares enough to say anything about it. 

There’s a short moment of silence. It doesn’t go on long enough to be awkward, but isn’t short enough to be unnoticable. It’s an annoying silence. Junpei doesn’t like it. He wishes he were lost in thought, instead.

“Are we all ready, then?” Snake is the one who breaks the silence. His question seems directed more at Clover than anyone else – she is the one still desperately clinging to his arm after all – but everyone nods in response. Apparently forgetting that Snake can’t see their reaction and Clover ends up needing to relay their reactions to him.

It’s almost enough to get a genuine laugh out of him. Almost enough to brighten the mood, even a little bit. He catches Lotus and Seven with the beginnings of smiles on their faces, but the expressions melt away mere seconds later, and the five of them all give each other a small look of resolution before they turn back to where Alice is awaiting their decision.


	3. Chapter 3

The actual interview mostly passes so fast that Junpei barely registers the first part of it. He spends most of it answering questions on reflex while his mind is a hundred miles away. Thinking only of what he’s going to do next. What happens once he gets home. What happens once the five of them are separated. What happens once he’s alone again.

He doesn’t think he can go back to college after all of this. He doesn’t think he could stomach it. The normalcy. The repetition. The loneliness. He dreads it almost as much as he dreaded those doors at the beginning. 

~~ The people who question him – Alice’s co-workers – ask him what doors he went through. They ask him what happened. They ask him what was behind each door. They ask him what everyone said. What he knows about them. How he knows. ~~

~~ He doesn’t know what to say. ~~

“I went through all the doors.” He says quietly. His eyes are wide as he stares at the table in front of him. The room looks a bit too much like a police interrogation room for his liking. It probably is one, in practice, but Junpei can’t help the anxiety growing in his chest the longer he spends here. “Door five had a first class cabin and a casino room behind it. Door four had regular cabins and a kitchen.” His eyes widen as he rattles off information that he knows he must not have received. He didn’t go through one of those two doors, and yet he remembers the interior of both of them. Clear enough that he’s certain he could draw a picture were he given the materials.

“You told us that you could only go through one of each set.” The person questioning him – a man, wearing a suit and with his hair slicked back – asks with eyebrows raised and arms crossed over his chest. Junpei clenches his hands into fists in his lap. “How could you have gone through all of them? How do you know what’s behind every door?”

Junpei doesn’t know.

“How can you not know?”

Junpei doesn’t know the answer to that either.

“What is your relation to Akane and Aoi Kurashiki?”

“Akane is a childhood friend of mine.” Junpei answers quietly. “I never knew her brother. I knew she had one, but he and I never met. Whenever Akane and I would hang out, it was either outside or at my house.” He continues, keeping his eyes fixed intently on the table. He isn’t sure how he’s meant to feel about these memories anymore. Something in his gut twists, and he wants to look back on them as the happy memories they are. Before things were so complicated and before he tried to tell his parents and before they–

“And you had no idea that she was planning something like this?” The man asks with a raised eyebrow. As though Junpei  _ should _ have known. Maybe he should have. He doesn’t know how he could have known, since he hasn’t seen Akane since that day, almost 10 years ago now.

“I haven’t seen her since the end of middle school.” He answers. He almost feels on the verge of tears. 

The man in the suit almost seems annoyed. Junpei is certain he catches the sound of an annoyed huff before the man turns away, moving through the room as though waiting for some kind of sign of what to do next. Junpei has no idea what he’s waiting for. 

“Alright, back to the rooms.” The man finally says something, and Junpei still knows that he won’t have an answer for whatever the man asks next. “If you went through every door, even though it isn’t possible, who went with you through each room?”

“Snake–” Junpei stops himself. The man crosses his arms over his chest and waits. Junpei knows that right now he really needs to use their real names. “Sorry. Light and Honma, went with me through the number five door.” Junpei raises a hand to his head. It starts to pound, and he’s pretty sure it’s not from how unfitting Seven’s real surname actually is. “Through the number four… it was Aoi, Akane, and Kashiwabara.” He continues, squeezing his eyes shut.

  
He’s sure only one of them was right. He’s certain of it. The question is which one.

“And the next set of doors?” The man prompts. Junpei wants to stop answering questions now.

“The number seven door… I went with Honma and Clover.” He remembers giving Clover a bookmark. He also remembers not giving Clover a bookmark. He can’t figure out which one was real, and it just might drive him crazy. “And the number eight door… was with Kashiwabara and Clover. That’s… when Kashiwabara told me about her job.” He knows that happened. It must have. He still has the information, after all. “She told me about prosopagnosia there, too.” He has that information too. It must be real. “And… the number three door… I went in with Honma, Akane, and Aoi. Kashiwabara and Clover tried to get through but Aoi beat them to it.” Junpei squeezes his eyes shut.

He remembers tricking them. He remembers doing something stupid, and everyone yelling at him, and going through another door with Seven and Lotus and solving more puzzles and finding a submarine and then the  _ bodies– _

~~_ He remembers hot, unbearable pain in his back. He remembers Akane, lying dead on the ground. Crying. Begging him to escape. He remembers the submarine. He remembers standing over it. About to get in. About to– _ ~~

~~**_Pain._ ** ~~

~~_ He remembers falling. He remembers the feeling of water enveloping him. He remembers the feeling of water filling his lungs and blood leaking out of his back. He remembers his consciousness slipping away.  _ ~~

~~_ He remembers dying. _ ~~

~~_ He remembers starting again. _ ~~

~~_ Don’t ask him how. He won’t be able to answer. _ ~~

“And the next set?” The man continues. Junpei wants to stop. The throbbing in his head is getting worse, and he’s struggling to remember what he’s even talking about. He knows it’s important. He doesn't know how, and he isn’t sure that he wants to know. None of it makes a lick of sense, but that feeling has become pretty damn familiar over the past day or so.

“The one door… I went with Clover and Hongou.” He grips at the shaggy brown strands of his hair, struggling to think through the other two doors. 2 and 6. “I went through the two door with… Honma and Kashiwabara, and the six door with Hongou, Aoi, and Akane.” The man still looks skeptical, and Junpei can’t say he blames him. 

“And you’ve told us that Light Field disappeared after the first set of doors?” The man checks something on his wrist – presumably a watch – before returning his attention to Junpei. 

“Yeah.” He nods. There isn’t much else he can say about that. He hadn’t known Snake all that well at the time, but that didn’t make it any easier to watch Clover search so desperately for her brother. It didn’t make it any easier to watch her cry when they thought he was dead. 

He remembers being able to comfort her. He remembers not knowing what to do and leaving her alone.

~~ Don’t ask him which was real. He won’t be able to answer. ~~

“Clover Field and Hirotaka Honma told us that you were able to open a coffin with a passcode.” The man starts on the next question, and Junpei knows that he won’t be able to answer this one either. He knows that he’s going to make himself look suspicious. They might even think he was working with  _ them _ all along. “They both claim that the three of you never found the passcode. How did you know it?”

Junpei doesn’t know.

Is that what he’s supposed to say? That he “just knew it”? That he guessed? That he got lucky? That he found it and thought it was nothing so he didn’t bother to tell them? None of those sound even slightly natural. All of them will make him sound even more suspicious. 

“I found it in a safe behind door number five.” His mouth moves without consent from his brain. “Clover was stabbed in the first class cabin, and there was a safe in there. We got it open and it had–”

_ Truth had gone. Truth had gone. Truth had gone. Now truth is asleep in the darkness of the sinister hand. _

_ Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. _

_ 14383421. _

“–the passcode in it.” 

The man stares at him.

Junpei doesn’t know what to say next.

“Mr. Tenmyouji,” The man’s voice is cold. Calculating. Scary. Junpei is certain that he’s incriminated himself. From what he remembers, these interviews weren’t meant to find any accomplices. He thinks the intention was to see if any of them had any information, and–

“Have you heard of morphogenetic field theory?”

Junpei has to say, that’s just about the last question he ever expected.


	4. Chapter 4

“So, did they offer all of you guys jobs too?” Clover is clinging to her brother’s arm once again by the time Junpei finally gets back to all of them. Her eyes almost seem to light up once she sees him, as though she had been waiting for him to come back. Maybe she was. He does appear to be the only one who was missing. The others are all seated in relative silence.

“Not me.” Seven replies. He’s seated on what seems like a waiting couch, seemingly lounging as comfortably as possible with hands tucked behind his head. Junpei can’t say he’s ever seen the man so relaxed, but he also can’t say that it’s a surprise. The last… however long has been filled with nothing but near-death experiences and tension. They haven’t exactly had the time to relax. 

“Me neither.” Lotus pipes up. “Preposterous, if you ask me. They turn down  _ my _ programming skills?” She puffs a sigh, and Junpei can barely resist the slight pull of his lips. Lotus’ programming skills certainly are impressive.

~~ Apparently, he knows that because of the morphogenetic field. ~~

“Clover and I were offered a job.” Snake speaks up next, and turns his head. “What about you, Junpei?”

“Kinda.” He raises a hand to rub through his shaggy hair. The roots are still aching. He thinks he must have pulled on them from nerves. He was pretty damn tense in that interrogation room. “The guy said something about my…” He isn’t sure how to describe it. Powers? He can’t really comprehend the idea that he has  _ powers. _ He’s 21 years old. He’s not supposed to be thinking about something stupid like  _ powers. _ But if that’s not what it was, then what else would he call them? “...powers. About how this organization could use people with powers like ours.” He gestures to Snake and Clover.

“And what did you say?” Seven raises an eyebrow and lifts a hand to the beanie still covering his head. Junpei isn’t sure what Seven might want him to say, but Junpei isn’t sure that matters. He isn’t going to lie about it. There’s no reason to.

“I turned it down.” Junpei stays blunt. “What about you guys?” He looks to Snake and Clover.

“Us too.” Snake has the beginnings of a smile on his face, and Clover nods along enthusiastically. “We would rather return to our lives.” He continues, as though an explanation is needed for why two people with psychic powers might not want to work for the government. 

Junpei wishes he could relate to that whole, ‘returning to their lives’ thing. Maybe then he could go back to college. Pretend all of this never happened. Go back to his normal life and not have his every waking thought confused by… he still isn’t quite sure what. The flashes that keep forcing their way through his mind of… things. Things that must have happened. He remembers them.

~~_ Bodies. Burning. Screaming. Bodies. Bodies. Bodies. Pain. Pain. Pain. Help. Help Help– _ ~~

~~**_Snake. He has to help Snake._ ** ~~

He feels like he can’t breathe.

“Alright,” Junpei almost jumps at the sound of a voice that doesn’t belong to any of those he came here with. He almost whirls around to find Alice standing behind him. He doesn’t manage to catch the way that Clover’s face turns a bright shade of pink or how her grip on her brother’s arm tightens. He doesn’t catch the small smirk on Snake’s face either. Maybe he would have found it entertaining, if he had.

“Thank you for your cooperation.” She smiles at them. It’s the same smile from before. The same one that Junpei can’t tell if it’s fake or not. He really doesn’t like that smile. “Your statements will be very helpful in apprehending Akane and Aoi Kurashiki–” Junpei feels his throat closing up at that. “–and convicting Gentarou Hongou.” He feels a flood of relief. “Your tickets home have been arranged, and we’ve contacted your families–”

Junpei’s throat closes up again.

“–to let you know the basics of your situation. Your flights should be in a few hours.” Alice looks over them. “You’re welcome to stay here until we can take you to the airport, or you can head over there yourselves.” She holds a set of papers out, and Junpei takes them. “These are your boarding passes, and what should substitute for identification.” She provides an explanation, and Junpei thumbs through the passes. Mostly looking for one thing.

“Sn–” He stops himself with a soft cringe and adjusts. “Light and Clover have different flight numbers.” He states, as though it isn’t the most obvious thing in the world. They’re the only ones without Japanese names. He shouldn’t be so surprised that they aren’t on flights headed back to Japan, and yet he still has an uncontrollable sinking feeling in his chest. 

“Ah, I suppose we’re going back to our mother’s home?” Snake seemingly asks Clover, and Junpei manages to catch her nodding. “She must be quite worried by now.” Snake wears a relaxed smile. Far too relaxed for Junpei’s liking. He can feel his fingers trembling around the papers in his hands. 

“What about us, Junpei?” Seven stands from his couch and makes his way over. Junpei looks up at him and holds out the boarding passes. The bulkier man takes them and thumbs through the passes, clearly searching for the thing Junpei was just looking for. “Alright. Looks like Junpei, Lotus, and me are all on the same flight. Clover and Snake are on the same plane to… Montana?” Seven looks absolutely confused. “Is that where you two are from?”

“Oh, yeah!” Clover jumps up, though she keeps a hand on her brother’s arm. “So, I guess Mom will pick us up from the airport..?” Clover looks towards Alice, and this time Junpei does manage to catch the small dusting of pink on her cheeks. He makes a note of it. 

“She should.” Alice nods. “She was pretty worried about you, from what I could tell.”

Junpei feels that crushing feeling in his chest again.

“Alright.” Seven jumps in before Clover and Alice can say anything else. “We should head to the airport. You know they take a long-ass time in America, so let’s make sure we’re there at least a few hours before our flights.” He turns to the others and moves to hand out the boarding passes. Junpei takes his and doesn’t bother to open it. If nothing else, at least he’s on the same flight as Seven and Lotus.

His parents will be waiting for him at the airport.

No, Alice hadn’t said that. She said that she contacted his parents. That doesn’t mean his parents will actually  _ show up. _ He really doesn’t want them to. The last thing he wants after almost a day of weird timeline nonsense, discovering he suddenly has powers, reconnecting with his childhood best friend. Losing his childhood best friend. Seemingly dying. Losing a grasp of his sense of self. Escaping from an experimental facility in Nevada and driving across the desert to find a government agent. Wow, he’s really had a crazy day.

The last thing he wants after a day full of traumatic events is for his parents to be waiting for him at the airport.

“Junpei?” Lotus’ voice is the one that snaps him out of it this time. Maybe the rest of them are taking turns snapping him out of his long trances. It’s strange. He never used to end up trapped in his thoughts like that before. He might be losing his mind. It wouldn’t surprise him. Way too many things have happened over the past day. 

“Yeah. I’m fine.” He forces himself to smile, and he’s certain that it isn’t at  _ all  _ convincing. “Let’s go.”

  
  



	5. Chapter 5

Junpei has never been a fan of long plane rides. 

Not because he doesn’t like heights or because he’s claustrophobic or anything. There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with the concept of plane rides in his book. If only they could last 15 minutes instead of 15 hours. 

No, the problem isn’t anything to do with the environment of planes. In fact, crammed between Seven and Lotus in the very back row of a flight from Las Vegas to Tokyo, while not where Junpei expected he would be at 21 years old, is not the worst place he’s been in the past 48 hours, and certainly not an unwelcome place to be. He can still feel the warmth of Clover wrapping him up in a hug, the gentle kindness of Snake setting a hand on his shoulder. Clover had shoved a paper into his hand, saying it had their phone number on it and he should call as soon as the three of them landed in Japan.

That paper is still clutched in his hand. Tight enough that he thinks his knuckles might turn white. His knee can’t stop bouncing. Lotus keeps glaring at him from the window seat. Her arms are crossed over her chest and she looks about ready to murder him. He thinks it’s understandable.

Planes aren’t a problem because of planes. Junpei doesn’t mind somewhat closed spaces, and he has to admit that the closeness of the plane is absolutely nothing compared to waking up in a cabin filling with water and being forced to solve a complex puzzle to escape. No, the problem is the fact that they’re 5 hours into a 15 hour flight and so far he’s only been able to get up and move exactly once. 

Junpei has never exactly been good at sitting still.

“So,” Junpei’s head nearly snaps to the side when he hears Seven speaking up. He hadn’t realized just how tense his entire body is. He can’t be quite sure why. Maybe it’s his hand, still gripping that piece of paper like his life depends on it. Maybe it’s his eyes, peeling themselves open as though if he succumbs to the exhaustion settling into his bones he might… he isn’t sure exactly what. Something bad. “What are you gonna do once we’re back in Japan?” Seven continues, raising a hand to pull at the brim of the beanie that still sits on his head.

“No idea.” Junpei stifles his impulse to laugh. “Well, some idea.” He clenches his fists even tighter. He almost worries that he’ll rip the paper. “I… don’t know if I can just go back to what I was doing before, you know?” His lips force themselves into an awkward smile. “College… normal life, all of it… feels weirdly small now.” He raises one hand and manages to unclench it enough to pull at his hair. “And I…”

“You wanna look for June.” Lotus speaks up, and Junpei doesn’t let himself jump. He shouldn’t be surprised that they figured it out so easily. He thinks it’s pretty obvious. When everyone else was exhausted and just wanted to go to the hospital, Junpei was the only one to insist they continue the chase. Junpei is the only one who can’t stop thinking about  _ her _ , he’s sure of that. 

Junpei is the one who saved  _ her _ , and he’s the one who wanted to save her. Who spent the whole nine hours worrying over her. Who–

He might be in the middle of a breakdown. He isn’t sure.

“...yeah.” He ends up laughing anyway. It sounds about as awkward as it should, but laughing still feels like the wrong reaction. “Yeah, I wanna look for her. I don’t think… I could just…  _ not. _ ” He frowns. “So, I don’t really know how I would start with that. But I think it means I’ll have to drop out of school.”

“What are you gonna do if you drop out of school?” Seven raises an eyebrow. Junpei can tell that, while Seven might not be  _ explicit _ about it, he’s absolutely being judged on that. Which makes sense. He is proposing that he drops out of college to chase after the woman who kidnapped and tormented them. Sure, she apparently only did it to save her own life. But Junpei has to say, it’s one strange as hell way of asking for help.

“No idea.” He gives the only answer he has. “I have no idea where to start, and no idea what to do. I just know… that I have to look for her. I have to find her.”

Lotus looks away. Seven does too. Junpei is sure they think he’s crazy, and they might be right to think that. He doesn’t really care all that much, if they think he’s crazy. He knows that they can’t talk him out of this now. He doesn't think he could talk  _ himself _ out of this now. He’s going to find  _ them.  _ Or he’s going to die trying.

~~ Or maybe he’ll end up doing both. ~~

“If your goal is to find two criminals,” Seven speaks up, and Junpei turns to look at him. Seven doesn’t meet his eyes. He keeps his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes closed. “Quickest way to do that is to become a cop and investigate criminals.” 

Junpei almost feels himself freeze.

“Seven…” He starts, not entirely sure if he’s reading the situation right. He thinks he is. Even if it hasn’t been  _ that _ long since they met, Junpei likes to think he can read Seven’s tones somewhat well. They were together for a solid… well, technically he went through at least four doors with him if he believes that morphogenetic field nonsense. 

“Look, man.” Seven breathes a heavy sigh, and Junpei is suddenly sure that he’s right. “I’m just saying… if you’re gonna go investigate dangerous criminals either way, I would rather be able to keep an eye on you. Just… to make sure you don’t get yourself killed or anything.” Seven scratches at the brim of his beanie, and Junpei isn’t quite sure what to say. “Just… think about it. You’ve got my number, right?”

“Well, I have Lotus’ number.” Junpei can’t help the small smirk that comes over his face. “That’s just as good, right?” He turns to look at Lotus, on his other side. “Have you told Nona and Ennea yet? Gonna tell them that you’re ‘taking care’ of another kid their age, too?”

Lotus rolls her eyes. Junpei counts himself lucky that Lotus didn’t question how he knows their names. That isn’t something he really wants to explain right now. He’d much rather focus on the fact that this is the least annoyed Lotus has ever been with a clear attempt to annoy her since they first met, what must be at least 24 hours ago. Junpei hasn’t exactly been keeping track.

Seven doesn’t say anything either. They sit in a silence that’s more comfortable than awkward, and Junpei thinks that must be a good sign overall.


	6. Chapter 6

Junpei doesn’t realize that he had been holding out hope until it’s shattered right before his eyes. 

He has to admit, the flight itself could have been so much worse. Yeah, he couldn’t fall asleep. Seven and Lotus had both insisted that he rest, and he had  _ tried _ with everything he had to fall asleep there, but he just couldn’t. Too many things were flowing through his head and there was one too few of Snake and Clover for Junpei to feel… he’s not even sure. He couldn’t get himself to relax, and it had been frustrating enough to convince Lotus to stop giving him a death glare when his knee kept bouncing like there was no tomorrow.

Junpei hadn’t realized how much he had been hoping that he could just get off the plane and head back to… wherever he was going to go. He still isn’t quite sure what Lotus and Seven are planning to do, and he isn’t sure if he can go back to that apartment. No matter how comfortable he found it, it will always be the place he was kidnapped now. It will always be the place where  _ she _ –

~~ Or was it him? That’s one thing Junpei knows he never learned. ~~

–gassed him. It will always be the place all of this began. It will  _ always _ be–

“Hey, Junpei.” Seven’s voice snaps him out of yet another trance, and Junpei thinks that he really needs to get a handle on that and start just paying attention to what’s going on around him. If he doesn’t, the other two might end up having to pick him up from some epic fall in the middle of Tokyo International Airport. What a pain.

“Yeah?” He lifts his head. He almost wishes he had a suitcase or something to tighten his hands around or fidget with. The only thing he still has in his possession in that little piece of paper with Snake and Clover’s phone number on it. He still hasn’t gotten the chance to call them. He’ll have to do it once he can get his phone back and start the search for a new apartment. “Something wrong?”

“So, I dunno how to tell you this.” Seven sets a hand on his shoulder, and Junpei raises an eyebrow. The two of them are stopped in the middle of the airport, waiting for Lotus. She had declared that she  _ desperately _ needed a coffee, more than anything else in the world, and had made the two of them swear to wait for her as she ran off to the nearest café to grab one. “Um… well…”

“What is it, man?” Junpei raises an eyebrow, trying to figure out what exactly could be wrong. Is Seven about to launch into some kind of lecture about why Junpei shouldn’t drop out of school after all? Something about how being a cop or detective or whatever is actually super dangerous? As though Junpei doesn’t know that just from Seven’s story about getting kidnapped and almost getting incinerated.

“I think those two holding a sign with your name on it might be your parents.”

Junpei hadn’t realized he was holding on to hope until it was absolutely shattered.

He feels his throat closing up. His chest tightens. He doesn’t think he can breathe. Is he really about to have another whole breakdown – just a few hours after his last one – in the middle of the airport just because Seven said that his parents might be here? 

He hates that the answer is probably yes. 

Seven seems to know that the answer is probably yes, and steps forward. From what Junpei can tell, Seven’s intention is to block Junpei from the sight of who Seven thinks are his parents. That means they probably hadn’t noticed him yet, right? He hopes so. He really doesn’t want to have to explain to his parents exactly why Seven decided to step in front of him like that. He doesn't particularly want to explain everything that’s happened in the past 48 hours. 

He has to say, he’s pretty pissed at Alice for calling them at all. She really should have asked him first.

“Thanks, man.” Junpei forces himself to smile, and Seven just gives a small nod. As though the gratitude isn’t necessary. Junpei figures that Seven thinks he owes him.

Junpei isn’t quite sure who owes who between the two of them.

“Do you have somewhere to go?” Seven asks with eyes that hold so much concern. Junpei almost can’t believe he ever thought of this man as a brute and nothing more. He can’t think of another person he’s met who has held so much concern in their expression for someone they’ve known less than a week. “If you don’t–”

“I can just head back to my apartment for now.” Junpei stuffs his hands into the pockets of his puffy vest. He still hasn’t been able to change since he was gassed. He’s pretty sure he’s been wearing the same outfit for over 48 hours and it’s starting to feel like he really needs a damn shower. “I’ll… probably end up getting a new place soon, but for now it’s the easiest thing. I didn’t even get a chance to grab my phone or wallet when, y’know.” He waves a hand somewhat awkwardly, and Seven nods in understanding.

“You know, if you need any help–”

“I know.” He smiles. It takes a lot more effort than smiles used to take. “Thanks, man. I really appreciate it.”

Seven just nods, as though he’s trying to say that he doesn’t need Junpei’s gratitude. He can’t say that he particularly minds someone who doesn’t need gratitude for every action. 

Maybe working for Seven is the right choice, after all.

If the last 48 hours have taught Junpei anything, it’s that peaceful moments are fragile more than they’re anything else. They’ve taught him that the moments you feel you’ve won are never the moments you should celebrate a victory. They’ve taught him that, no matter how well you think things have gone, how close you are to the end of your suffering, something can always go just wrong enough to ruin absolutely everything.

So, of course, the moment that Junpei feels a kind of certainty settling into his chest, the moment he thinks he’s finally figured out what he’s going to do, how he’s going to proceed, the  _ moment _ the aching in his body from… something starts to dissipate, everything goes wrong once again.

“Junpei.”

He freezes up.

He can feel his throat tighten. His body clench. Even with every crazy thing that’s happened the past 48 hours, he isn’t quite sure that any of it has matched this particular feeling of pure, unfiltered  _ dread.  _ The only thing that he thinks really comes close is that feeling he’d get in his chest every time they went through a door, when everyone would scramble to find the DEAD before they blew themselves sky high. Even then, the feeling wasn’t exactly the same. That one was more desperate. Panicking. Then it felt like an intense focus. As though he could see everything and nothing all at once and needed to figure out how to navigate it before he turned into nothing but a sea of blood and body parts.

Now, Junpei doesn't feel that same adrenaline. He doesn’t feel as though the world is about to explode around him and he has to find the answer in time to stop it. Now, he’s not fearful for his life or the lives of those he’s barely known long enough to remember their names – if he  _ had _ been given their names – but still considers dear friends. Now, he just wishes he could hide.

“I’m sorry, ma’am.” Seven is the one who speaks first. Junpei finds that he can’t form words. He can’t exactly breathe and his throat feels like it’s gone completely dry. “Would you mind stepping back? My friend is very claustrophobic.” Seven lies through his teeth and Junpei can’t say he minds. He wishes Lotus would hurry up. He thinks this would be much easier with her here.

“Excuse me,  _ sir.” _ Junpei shudders at the sound of her voice. “But that’s my son. I don’t appreciate you–”

“It’s fine, Seven.” Junpei forces himself to speak through the tightness of his throat. The last thing he wants is his mother harassing his friend in the middle of a crowded airport. “It’s just my mom.” He tries to say it like it’s true. Like his mother isn’t about the last person in the world he wants to see right now. Perhaps just tied with his father.

“Junpei.” His mother steps forward, completely ignoring Seven as though he never existed. Junpei decides that he can apologize for her later. He doesn’t really want to deal with all of that right now. He’s already exhausted down to the bone, tenser than he’s ever been in his life, and about ready to collapse in the middle of the crowded airport. Apologizing for his mother in front of his mother will only make things worse. “I got a call from the  _ American government _ that you were in trouble!” His mother points a finger right into his chest. 

“That isn’t accurate, Ma’am.” Seven interrupts, and Junpei just lets out a sigh. Even if he did try to explain what really happened, he neither knows how to nor wants to explain exactly what the hell happened in that building all the way around the world. “If anything, your son is the one who got many people  _ out _ of trouble.”

Junpei has to say, it makes him happy that Seven thinks of him that way. Even though it absolutely isn’t helpful.

“And who exactly  _ are _ you?” She narrows her eyes and turns to Seven as though he’s an obstacle in her way. “What kind of name is  _ Seven? _ ”

“It’s a nickname, Mom.” Junpei interrupts, resisting the urge to sigh. “His real name is Hirotaka Honma. He’s a cop.” A long time ago, Junpei might have been concerned about telling his mother that he just flew in from another country with a cop. Right at this moment, he really doesn’t care. She can assume whatever she wants.

“A cop.” His mother sends Seven another glare before she turns those harsh eyes on Junpei. He doesn’t want to do this right now – and not ever, really – but for the moment he can’t think of a way out of it. “Are you going to tell me what you were doing in America with a  _ cop _ that required the American government to call me and tell me to get you from the airport?”

“Well–”

“Sorry, that took fucking  _ forever. _ ” Lotus’ voice breaks through the tension of the air, and Junpei has never felt more grateful to her. Her sweatshirt sleeve hangs over her left hand – the one wrapped around the cup of coffee – and Junpei can’t help but think that she looks much better in a sweatshirt than she does in that stupid… whatever she was wearing in the building. “There were like 15 people in the line, and the person at the front just  _ refused _ to hurry up.” She breathes an exaggerated sigh. Seven looks relieved the moment she appears. Honestly, Junpei feels the same way.

His mother turns her harsh eyes on Lotus, and Lotus is more than obviously not having any of it.

“And who are  _ you _ , exactly?” Junpei’s mother demands, and Junpei can’t help but think that this confrontation might actually be somewhat entertaining. While he might not be willing to have it out with his mother in a public place, in front of everyone, he can’t imagine the same circumstances daunting Lotus in the slightest.

“Hazuki Kashiwabara.” Lotus takes a long sip of her coffee before pushing it into Seven’s hands, who takes it as though holding Lotus’ bag before she gets into some kind of fistfight. The only expression Junpei can read in the older man’s eyes is something along the lines of ‘go get her, honey’, and it’s almost amusing enough to make him smile. “And who exactly are  _ you _ and why are you harassing him?”

“ _ I  _ am Tenko Tenmyouji.” His mother continues, and Junpei takes the opportunity to take a step back. He almost wants to suggest that the four of them go somewhere more private for this. 

“Oh, so you’re the bitch of a mother who kicked out her own  _ absolute angel _ of a son for something as stupid as a fling.” Lotus hisses between clenched teeth, and Junpei wishes he could skip this entire conversation and just get back to his apartment already. “Where’s your sleazebag husband, huh? I’ve been waiting to punch the both of you in the jaw.”

“Lotus–”

“Not now, Seven. I’m about to smack some sense into this one.” Lotus hisses out, and the words ease some of his tension. It almost feels like he can breathe again, no matter how murderous Tenko Tenmyouji might look in that moment. 

“How  _ dare you– _ ”

“No.” Lotus doesn’t even let her get a word in edgewise. “How dare  _ you. _ ” She points a finger right into Tenko Tenmyouji’s chest with narrowed eyes. “No one asked you to come here. No one asked you to show up to harass your son in a public place, and I will not allow that. No matter what  _ you _ might think of him, your son saved my life. The life of this man here. The lives of two other kids just like him. And the life of a little girl. All on his own.” 

Junpei thinks Lotus is absolutely overselling it. In fact, he’s  _ certain _ that Lotus is overselling it. He knows that he could never have figured out half of everything that happened in that building if it wasn’t for the others. He’s sure that she’s exaggerating to try and get his mother to leave, and he doesn’t particularly mind that. He just makes a mental note to ensure she knows the truth later. 

“For your  _ information. _ ” Tenko Tenmyouji seems to ignore Lotus’ rant with the determination that she’s become well-known for in Junpei’s mind. “It wasn’t a  _ fling _ . My son was in a relationship with–”

“Oh, I know the full story.” Lotus continues, and Junpei is relieved. It’s a story he doesn’t particularly want recounted out loud in a public place. People are already stopping to watch Lotus and his mother have it out in the middle of the airport. He almost wishes he were back on the plane. 

He wishes Clover and Snake were here.

God, he wants to call them.

“And you’ll get no  _ understanding _ from me.” Lotus points a finger right into Tenko Tenmyouji’s chest before reaching out, forming a tight grip on Junpei’s arm, and pulling him over to her side. She almost throws him backwards, and Junpei feels a set of strong hands settling on his shoulders. He glances up to see Seven, watching Lotus with an intensity that Junpei can’t quite recognize. It’s not an expression he’s seen on Seven’s face before, but the meaning behind it is pretty obvious.

There’s no way Seven isn’t thinking to himself that he’s  _ totally _ in love with Lotus.

If they weren’t in the current situation, Junpei would joke about it. Or at least he would try. Jam an elbow into Seven’s side and make a joke about how obviously smitten he is and try to drown the pang of  _ something _ he feels deep in his chest with a cheesy laugh and an insistence that he doesn’t relate to the look in Seven’s eyes. 

“As a mother, I have nothing but  _ disdain _ for the way you’ve treated your son. And, as long as I’m here,” Lotus crosses her arms over her chest and sends Tenko Tenmyouji the harshest glare Junpei has ever seen. “He doesn’t need  _ you _ to take care of him.” Lotus lets out a loud  _ hmph _ sound before turning on her heel and storming towards the two of them. She snatches her coffee back from Seven with her face scrunched up and fingers tight around the cup. 

“Let’s go, you two.” She almost growls. Junpei definitely does not want to make her ask twice.

He doesn’t look over his shoulder, as Seven and Lotus lead him away.

He can feel his mother’s eyes, drilling their way into his back, but he doesn’t look back at her.

He doesn’t think he’ll regret that.


	7. Chapter 7

The first thing Junpei does once the door to his apartment is closed behind him is run for his phone.

He’s almost grateful to  _ them. _ Even if they charged into his apartment completely unannounced and threw some kind of sedative at him and then dragged him halfway around the world and left him in a death game to–

~~ –die, over and over and over and– ~~

– figure out what the hell was going on without so much as a hint, at the very least his phone was left on the table and appears to be completely undamaged. 

So undamaged that, as soon as he turns the thing on, he’s completely flooded with a sea of notifications. Emails, texts, missed calls. He would expect that they might be from his parents, trying to figure out why they couldn’t reach him. He would expect personal emails, wondering where he is and if he’s doing alright. He would expect friends, loved ones, possibly panicking over his sudden disappearance and frantically looking for him.

Junpei doesn’t find loved ones, parents, friends, personalized emails and messages.

Junpei finds automated messages from companies. Something about his rent, at least 8 emails from professors, questioning his whereabouts and threatening to lower his grades should he not show up to the next class, a few from classmates and lab partners wondering where he is and, more importantly, where his half of the work is. Nothing personal. Nothing that brings concern or worry. 

Junpei can’t say he’s surprised. 

He dials the number Clover gave him. He doesn’t bother checking the time. He doesn’t bother calculating what the time would be in Montana. Why bother? If they don’t pick up, Junpei isn’t sure what he’ll do. He knows it’s stupid. It’s irrational. It’s ridiculous. He’s only known Clover and Snake for maybe 3 days at the most – he’s not going to bother counting the exact amount of time right now, he’s far too tired to even try – but he still can’t help the resounding _ache_ in his entire being that tells him to call them _._

He can’t remember the last time he’s missed someone this much.

~~_ “No. No no. No way. This has gotta be some kinda joke.” _ ~~

The phone rings once.

~~_ “This… This can’t be real.” _ ~~

The phone rings twice.

~~_ “Three… Seven…” _ ~~

The phone rings thrice.

~~_ “Six.” _ ~~

The phone picks up.

“ _ Hello?” _ Clover’s voice rings through the receiver loud enough that Junpei has to pull the phone away from his ear. It really isn’t much louder than she normally is, but a few hours of not hearing her voice has Junpei not as used to it as he was a mere few hours ago. Even so, it brings him a yet unmatched feeling of pure  _ relief. _

“Hey, Clover?” Junpei brings the phone back to his ear, taking a short moment to walk through the apartment and find the couch in his living room. Exactly where he left it. It’s a ratty old thing, bought for as much as Junpei could afford at the time. About 20,000 yen. It’s small, old, second hand, and shockingly comfortable despite all the love it’s received in its many years of use. He drops onto the couch, and marvels at the fact that it feels… almost different, than it did just a few days ago.

_ “Junpei!”  _ She shouts into the phone again, and he’s forced to pull the phone away from his ear to prevent going deaf.  _ “We were starting to get worried! You didn’t call and it’s been like…”  _ She pauses, obviously either checking a clock or asking Snake how long it’s been.  _ “20 hours! Are you okay?? Where are you??” _

“I’m fine, Clover.” He laughs softly. He can’t deny that he’s far too tired to get into any particularly energetic conversation. Seven and Lotus had tried to insist on the three of them sticking together. On Junpei staying with one or both of them for the night and heading home in the morning, but he had felt like enough of a burden after Lotus spent the entire cab ride from the airport to his apartment complaining about his mother. “I’m home. Lotus and Seven just left.”

_ “You’re alone??”  _ She asks as though the very idea of Junpei alone is more terrifying than the prospect of going through one of those numbered doors.  _ “Are you sure that’s a good idea, Junpei? You were–” _

“Seven is gonna come back tomorrow morning. Lotus had to go see her daughters, and Seven wanted to check on his apartment.” He breathes a small, somewhat labored, sigh and leans back into the couch. “I’m fine, Clover. Don’t worry about me. It’s just my apartment.”

_ “Yeah, your apartment where you were kidnapped only like two days ago!” _

He can’t deny that one.

“Well, it’s too late now.” He breathes a sigh and runs a hand through his hair. He should really get it cut. Or maybe he should cut it himself. He isn’t quite sure he could handle the prospect of a stranger holding something sharp so close to his head.

~~_ “Revenge. For my brother.” _ ~~

His head is pounding again.

_ “Okay…”  _ She sounds dejected. Concerned, even. Junpei wishes, with all his might, that Clover didn’t live so damn far away. He wishes, with all his might, that she wasn’t a whole 15 hour plane ride away. He wishes he could run downstairs, grab a taxi, and be right in front of her in under an hour.

~~_ “He was forced into door three, and murdered.” _ ~~

~~_ “You need at least three people to open a door.” _ ~~

~~_ “Who were the two people that opened that door with him?” _ ~~

“Clover?” He can hear his voice shaking. His fingers are shaking right along with it. He can’t raise his volume, and suddenly everything around him feels cold. Lifeless. Dead. He isn’t sure why. Something is blocking his throat and his head is  _ pounding _ and  _ pounding _ and–

~~_ “It could only have been Santa and Seven.” _ ~~

_ “Yeah?”  _ Her voice sounds so sweet. 

_ “ ~~That’s why I killed them.” Her voice sounds so chilling.~~ _

“D-Do you… remember when we found that man… behind door number one?” He asks, trying to keep the shaking in his voice to a minimum. Trying, oh so desperately, not to give himself away as the rest of his body betrays itself. As he remembers things that never occurred and a wave of nausea washes over him and–

~~_ “B-But… why..?” _ ~~

~~_ “Why… did you kill June?” _ ~~

_ “The dead guy?”  _ She asks casually enough that anyone would think they weren’t discussing a corpse found in the middle of a game designed to kill people. As though the dead old man they’d found in the captain’s quarters was just a doll designed to fool them. 

~~_ “She was in my way. She had to die too.” _ ~~

Junpei doesn’t think he can take it anymore.

“I have to go.” He whispers into the phone as hastily as he can. He doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t want to hang up the phone. He wants to ask for Snake and he wants to listen to Clover’s voice for a bit longer and he wants to talk to them until his limbs stop trembling and he wants them to be  _ here _ and he wants so many things–

_ “J-Junpei?? Are you okay??” _

“I have to go.” He repeats. “I’ll– I’ll call again soon, yeah?” He says desperately. He can feel his stomach churning and his vision going blurry and he doesn’t want to remember what comes next. He doesn’t want to–

~~_ “No...no…” _ ~~

~~_ He remembers not believing it. _ ~~

~~_ “Hey… Junpei,” _ ~~

~~_ He remembers the feeling of her hand on his shoulder. He remembers looking up at her, hand held out to him as though offering to help him to his feet. Face twisted in a disgusting, awful smile that reminded him of the smile of some cheap manga villain. Her eyes were dead. As though any light that he had seen in them had vanished along with her dear brother. _ ~~

~~_ “Let’s go.” _ ~~

~~_ Junpei had wanted to go with her. _ ~~

~~_ “Let’s get out of here. Let’s leave this ship.” _ ~~

~~_ Junpei had wanted to take her hand. _ ~~

~~_ “Wha… What the hell… are you talking about?” He had asked with gasping breaths. “To open a numbered door–” _ ~~

~~_ “We’d need at least three people.” Clover hadn’t let him finish. Her voice was cold as ice and her motions as stiff as a board as she reached into her pocket. Pulling out– _ ~~

~~_ “But, as long as we have this, there won’t be any problems.” _ ~~

~~_ She had dangled it before his eyes. Tauntingly, almost. Like a precious fruit, just out of reach.  _ ~~

~~_ “The zero bracelet.” _ ~~

“I have to go.” He says into the phone again. He doesn’t hear the click of the phone hanging up. He doesn’t hear Clover say goodbye or call for her brother or even ask him what’s going on. He can’t. He can’t focus on that. He can’t even bring himself to spare it a thought as he drops his phone to the floor and dashes through the apartment like his life depends on it.

~~_ “You and I can open door nine with just the two of us.” _ ~~

~~_ “See? So let’s go.” _ ~~

~~_ He hadn’t been able to move. _ ~~

~~_ “Junpei?” _ ~~

~~_ He had wanted to go with her. _ ~~

~~_ “Clo...ver…” _ ~~

~~_ He had reached for her hand. _ ~~

~~_ “Yeah?” _ ~~

Junpei rushes for the bathroom.

~~_ And the axe came down with a  _ **_crack._ ** ~~

He throws up into the toilet.

~~_ And all that was left to do was watch her walk away. _ ~~

Junpei thinks that he really needs to get his mind sorted out.


	8. Chapter 8

He doesn’t call Clover back. He feels bad about it. He knows that he should have called her back as soon as his stomach stopped twisting and his vision stopped swimming and his body went right back to aching. It isn’t like there was much in his stomach in the first place, just some nuts and protein bars from the flight. He hadn’t been able to stomach anything more than that. But even with how little there was to empty, Junpei had emptied his stomach into the toilet as his mind replayed the long arch, swing,  **_crack_ ** of something that never happened over and over and over and–

He feels dizzy, even as the nausea finally fades away. His head is spinning and something smells off. Like smoke. Like the room is filling with gas and he’s coughing and choking and there’s someone standing in the middle of his apartment in a gas mask and Junpei can’t even ask who it might be before the smoke fills his lungs and–

He shakes his head. There’s no smell. There’s no smoke. There’s no gas mask. There’s nothing. He’s alone in his apartment and nothing is going on. Nothing is wrong. It’s just his apartment. It’s just his apartment. Normal. Boring. Blank and empty except for the cheap furniture that he paid as little as he could get away with for. 

He splashes his face with water. Does it again. The cold liquid isn’t enough to snap him out of it. He can’t get it out of his head. He can’t stop seeing it. The white smoke filling the room. The looming person in a cape and a gas mask standing over him. The feeling of his mind slipping through his fingers and the world going dark around him. He isn’t sure he’ll ever be able to shake it. 

He feels nauseous again.

It’s a scary feeling. The feeling of… danger? The lack of safety? The knowledge that someone has broken into this home and taken advantage of how he let his guard down there and managed to hurt him because of it. The knowledge that someone has entered his home without his knowledge and it could very easily happen again. The knowledge that his home isn’t  _ safe _ .

He runs his hands through his hair again. It’s too long. He needs to cut it. He’ll have to do it himself. The thought of someone other than himself holding something sharp anywhere near his head made him throw up, just a few minutes ago.

~~ Really, he knows it had nothing to do with cutting his hair. ~~

No matter how exhausted he might be, Junpei doesn’t think he’ll be able to sleep. His body is too tense and his eyes are too wide and his stomach is still swirling and he can’t stop  _ thinking _ . His body feels as though it’s at war with itself. As though his bones are screaming for him to get some rest while his mind demands that he stay awake. 

If he falls asleep he’ll be vulnerable. If he falls asleep he can’t do anything. If he falls asleep, what’s to stop someone from just opening the door, walking right in, and taking him somewhere far away and trapping him in another cabin and the water climbs the walls until he can’t breathe and it’s cold and wet and he can’t  _ breathe– _

Maybe being alone wasn’t such a good idea after all.

He loses track of where he is in his apartment. He knows he was in the bathroom, last time he bothered to register what was going on around him, but his mind is somewhere else. Somewhere entirely different. His mind is thousands of miles away, in a shower room deep in a high-tech facility in Nevada where there was a dish for soap that Junpei had noted with pride at knowing what it actually was. Here, the back of the wall is molded in patterns as a hint towards some kind of puzzle, and  _ she  _ stands behind him, watching him search for clues with curious eyes while making dirty jokes that are  _ just _ subtle enough to fly far over his head. Her soft and sweet laughter makes him feel like an idiot, but it makes him blush enough that he doesn't care.

~~ The Junpei in that shower room had realized how much he missed her, at that moment. ~~

Junpei snaps back to his apartment, and finds his hands pressed against the tiles of his bathroom. Searching for a nonexistent clue to a puzzle that isn’t there.

Maybe he should just get some sleep. Just ignore the thoughts screaming at him from every corner of his mind that sleeping is bad. That sleeping will just leave him open and vulnerable and  _ what if something happens? What if– _

~~_ What if someone grabs him? What if someone throws him through a door and slams it shut before he can wake up and what if they’re all just tricking him and what if– _ ~~

_ –someone is waiting for him to fall asleep. _

Logically he knows that it’s ridiculous. Logically, he knows that it’s just the last 48 hours of fear and tension and life-or-death puzzles and pulse-pounding runs to find the little device that will stop him from blowing himself to smithereens. He knows it’s all in his head. No one is waiting for him to fall asleep. No one is watching his every move as he stumbles out of his bathroom and clings to the wall for dear life, making his way towards the bedroom as though held down by an incomprehensible weight. 

No one is waiting for him to let his guard down. No one is waiting to watch him collapse into bed. No one is waiting for him to curl into a ball under the mostly soft comforter on his cheap mattress, still dressed in the same plaid shirt, white hoodie, blue puffy vest, stupid jean shorts that had left him  _ shivering _ in that damn freezer as–

~~_ “Jumpy, have you heard of Ice-9?” _ ~~

Junpei pulls one of his pillows over his ears and tries to block it out.

It doesn’t work, of course. The sounds aren’t coming through his ears. There’s no one else here.  _ She  _ isn’t speaking to him.  _ She  _ isn’t explaining obscure scientific concepts to him as he wonders where the hell _ she _ learned all this stuff and simultaneously thinks about how cute  _ she _ ’s gotten since their middle school days. 

No matter how desperately Junpei tries to block  _ her _ voice from his mind, he can still hear it as clear as day.

~~_ “Jumpy, we’re alone now. You don’t have to call me June.” _ ~~

He isn’t sure how to feel about it.

~~_ “No, silly. Use my nickname.” _ ~~

“Kanny.” He whispers under his breath and struggles to suppress the stinging in the corners of his eyes. 

It’s the first time since that building that he’s said her name.

_ “Kanny.” _ He says it again. Softer. Quieter. It’s hard to breathe, the more he thinks about her. It’s frustrating. Infuriating. No matter how desperately he wants to think of those days all those years ago as the happy memories they are, he isn’t sure he can anymore. He isn’t sure that they’ll ever be the same.

No matter how much of his life he spent with nothing but love for  _ her _ , things aren’t the same anymore. 

Now,

~~_ An axe comes down on his head. _ ~~

~~_ A knife is shoved into his back. _ ~~

~~_ He falls into a body of never-ending water. _ ~~

~~_ A syringe is shoved into his neck. _ ~~

~~_ Snake is shot. Clinging desperately to Ace’s clothes and screaming and  _ **_Snake Snake Snake he has to help Snake–_ ** ~~

Akane Kurashiki will always be the one who ran once she got what she wanted.

And Junpei has to find out  _ why. _


	9. Chapter 9

Junpei jerks awake to the sound of someone pounding on a door.

His morning starts with frantically throwing the covers off himself. He isn’t quite sure why he feels so disoriented, or why the clock suddenly reads that another eight hours have passed when he wasn’t looking. He isn’t sure how to register the fact that he actually managed to fall asleep. His body must have tricked his mind into letting its guard down while he wasn’t thinking. If nothing else, even as his mind runs wild with paranoia, his muscles don’t feel like they're about to shut down and his stomach isn’t swimming quite as much as it was last night.

Of course, none of those things help to alleviate the alarm bells that are ringing through his mind louder than any fire alarm he remembers. It feels like someone holding a foghorn right to his ear and just blasting it as loud as possible until his heart is pounding out of his chest and his entire body is rushing for… something. He isn’t quite sure what he’s running for. The covers and sheets are strewn over the floor, and he’s running through his apartment looking for–

Junpei still isn’t quite sure why he owns a baseball bat. He’s never been a particularly athletic person, and he’s never played baseball before. Maybe he figured it would be a good thing to have for self-defense, but clearly that didn’t work out. 

Even so, he finds that stupid baseball bat clenched between his trembling fingers as he approaches the source of the banging that dragged him from his seemingly peaceful sleep. It doesn’t really sound like someone is trying to break in. It sounds more like someone is trying to get his attention, and–

Junpei feels like an idiot.

He sets the bat aside and presses a hand to his chest in an attempt to calm his pounding heart. He’ll need to figure out a more effective way of calming himself down, assuming that this continues. He hopes that it doesn’t. The last thing he wants is to be trapped in a constant cycle of panicking over nothing and having to force himself to remember that it’s over. It’s over. There’s no one out to get him anymore.

~~ There’s still that voice, screaming from the back of his head, that he can’t be sure of that. ~~

“I’m coming!” He shouts towards the door. The pounding stops almost instantly, and Junpei knows he was right the moment the incessant noise goes away. He stares down at himself, and knows that he doesn’t have time to change into literally anything else before he opens the door. He’s been wearing the exact same outfit since he got kidnapped, and hasn’t so much as taken a shower in almost three days. He should really fix that, huh?

He takes a deep breath. His heart is still going a mile a minute and his mind feels like it’s about to explode. He tries to stop thinking, but that’s obviously doomed to fail. He just needs to calm down. Take another deep breath, and–

He pulls open the door.

“Sorry.” He chuckles awkwardly, staring up at the half-annoyed, half-worried look on Seven’s face. “I think I was asleep. I didn’t hear the knocking.” He rubs at the aching roots of his far too long brown hair. He either needs to cut it or figure out how to stop pulling at it so much. There must be some other way to deal with the tension in his body.

Seven doesn’t seem to know what to say. Junpei figures he must be surprised that Junpei was asleep at all. He doesn’t blame him. Junpei is pretty surprised himself.

“Well, I’m glad you were getting some rest.” Seven rubs his forehead with his left hand, and that’s when Junpei notices that he isn’t wearing the beanie that he had in the building. In fact, Seven’s entire outfit is completely different. Jeans, a t-shirt, and a somewhat-casual seeming sport coat. He looks much more… normal, dressed like this. Much less like a giant crab-fishing sailor and more like an actual detective. “Scared the hell out of me, though.” 

“Sorry.” Junpei repeats his apology. “No idea what happened there.” He laughs awkwardly again, gently tugging at the ends of his hair once again. He’s never cut his own hair before. He just has to hope that, no matter how bad at this kind of thing he ends up being, it won’t look  _ too _ bad by the time he’s done with it. 

There’s a long moment of silence. Junpei stares straight ahead, mind focused on something as stupid as how he wants to cut his hair as Seven just stands there, clearly waiting for something. Junpei feels like an idiot. Standing there with half his mind focused on something as stupid as his hair as the other half of his mind tries to figure out what exactly Seven is waiting for. 

“Oh,” Junpei finally figures it out, and feels even more like an idiot than he did a second ago. “Sorry. Come on in.” He holds the door open and Seven steps inside, slipping off a pair of dress shoes and setting them beside Junpei’s sneakers. “I, uh, I don’t have any food or anything, but if you want a drink–”

“Thanks, but I’m fine.” Seven waves him off pretty casually. Junpei is honestly shocked that he can be this familiar with someone he met less than a week ago. Maybe it’s the life or death experiences that makes him feel like he doesn’t really need to worry about it. If Seven hasn’t revealed himself to be a bad person after something like  _ that _ , Junpei doesn’t think he needs to worry about it.

For all the doubt in his mind, for all the paranoia and the stress and the  _ fear _ that has slipped into his mind over the past 48 hours, it’s reassuring to have some trust in someone. Anyone. It’s reassuring to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he can place his trust in Seven.

~~ He ignores the voice, quiet in the back of his head, telling him that he can’t know that for sure. ~~

“So,” Seven breaks the awkward silence with an equally awkward opening. “Still planning on dropping out of school?” He asks like it hasn’t been less than a day since Junpei made that decision. It’s a big decision. He knows that. He also absolutely does not want to think about what a big decision it is right now. He’s exhausted and has spent the entire time in his apartment feeling more sick than safe and really doesn’t have the mental capacity to fully dive into the question of what the hell he’s going to do next.

He has to find out  _ why. _

“I… think so.” Junpei says with absolutely no certainty in his voice. “I haven’t really had a chance to think about it more.” He stuffs his hands into the pockets of his vest and stares at the floor like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. He isn’t sure what to say next. It’s not a conversation he particularly wants to have right now.

Then again, what  _ does _ he want to talk about right now?

He can’t think of anything.

“Maybe give it a try before you make a choice like that?” Seven answers Junpei’s hesitation with a tone that is obviously meant to sound reassuring. Junpei isn’t sure if it is. He knows that Seven is right. Dropping out of school is a big decision, and doing so to spend a completely unknown amount of time hunting for the woman who broke into his home and sprayed him with a sedative gas before dragging him half around the world and killing him at least four times may be just a little bit insane.

Of course, that doesn’t mean Junpei feels any less strongly about it. He  _ needs _ to find her. He knows that he needs to find her. What is he going to do if he doesn’t find her? Go back to his normal life? Go back to what he was doing before? Floating through a school full of people who didn’t even notice when he was gone and struggling to find whatever it is he truly wants to do with the rest of his life? Will he ever be able to find that in such a normal way?

~~ Maybe when he thought he was normal, that would have worked. Maybe when he thought he was the same as everyone else in his classes. Maybe when he thought there was nothing particularly special about him.  ~~

~~ Maybe when he didn’t know what it feels like to have your life slip through your fingers as you gasp and plead and  _ beg _ to live just a  _ little bit longer. _ ~~

~~ Maybe when he didn’t know what it feels like to watch someone you’ve come to think of as a dear friend burn before your very eyes. ~~

~~ Maybe when he didn’t know what it feels like to die. ~~

~~ Maybe before he wondered if  _ she _ ~~ ~~ever really cared about him in the first place~~.

“I…” Junpei isn’t quite sure what to say. No matter how clear the decision might be in his mind, he isn’t sure how to explain it without sounding like he’s losing his mind. Maybe he is losing his mind. He does remember dying several times, and he’s certain that’s impossible. No matter how many times someone explained morphogenetic fields and timelines and all that absolutely  _ ridiculous _ sounding jargon, what’s to say that any of that is the real answer? Isn’t it entirely possible that all those horrific things he remembers never really happened and he’s just slowly going crazy from the stress of the situation, and–

“Junpei,” Seven snaps him out of his long train of thought once again. It’s happened far too many times since they escaped that building, and Junpei has absolutely no idea how to even begin addressing it. “You don’t have to make any decisions now, you know. It’s been like, not even three days since you got kidnapped. It’s not exactly the best time to be making huge life choices.”

“I know that.” Junpei says, because he does know that. The logical half of his brain knows that. It knows that he needs to give himself time to recover. He took a psych 101 course last year and skimmed some papers on PTSD – ignoring the fact that he absolutely bombed the class because he ended up thinking it was mostly boring – He has no idea if he’s going to end up showing symptoms of that, but taking time after traumatic events before doing anything radical sounds right.

Then again, he still isn’t quite sure he could take it.

“Just,” Junpei looks up at Seven with wide eyes as the older man rubs a hand over his head. It’s the same kind of gesture he did when he had that hat on his head, and Junpei figures it must just be one of his mannerisms. He had assumed that Seven only moved like that because he had that weird beanie. “Maybe try going to at least one class? Before you make any decisions?”

Junpei isn’t sure he can stomach it, and he has no idea why.

He thinks – no, he  _ knows _ – that Seven is trying to help. There’s no reason for Seven not to try and help him. 

“You’re a really smart guy, Junpei.” Seven continues, and Junpei can’t help but find the statement funny. Not enough to make him laugh, but enough to make him consider it.  _ Smart _ is never really the word he would use to describe himself, and his grades have always been middling at best. Sure, he managed to solve a handful of crazy escape room puzzles and some sudoku while under some intense stress, but he had help from plenty of other, much smarter people. He would hardly put the credit on himself. 

“Honestly, I think you’d be a huge help if you did work for a detective agency. But you’ve also gotta think about your own life, you know?”

Junpei knows that Seven is right. There’s no logical argument for why he shouldn’t listen to the advice of someone as informed as Seven. There’s no logical reason why he shouldn’t prioritize himself over the search for  _ her _ . There’s no logical reason, really, to drop out of school and go on a desperate search for  _ her. _ There’s no logical reason to give up everything that he’s worked towards on the off-chance that he’ll be able to find  _ her. _

And yet he still hesitates.

He clasps his hands together in front of him, rubbing over his left knuckles with his right thumb, and tries to think through the haze in his mind. 

~~ He can’t think through the haze in his mind. ~~

“I…” Junpei starts. Stops. Pauses. Bites his lower lip and takes a deep breath. “I’ll go to some classes, I think.” He says it as confidently as he can. “I’ll try, at least.”

He owes it to Seven to at least try, right? Seven saved his life so many times, helped him with Alice and his mom and the flight. He can go to one class. Two classes. Classes for a week or two and then decide if he really wants to drop everything and go after  _ her. _

He can handle that. 

But he should probably take a shower first.

  
  



	10. Chapter 10

“Dude, where the hell have you been?”

Junpei has to admit, that was not what he was expecting to hear from his biology lab partner a whole week after disappearing off the face of the Earth.

Sure, he was expecting some surprise. Annoyance. Maybe some animosity for Junpei not being there to do his half of the work. And sure, someone might listen to the words that his lab partner has just carelessly tossed his way and assume aggression, but the tone in his voice really isn’t that. It’s more passive curiosity. Interest, maybe. 

“Well–”

“Wait, first.” His lab partner drops into the seat beside him at their table, quickly pulling out a folder full of papers. “Here. This is your half of the work.” His lab partner shoves it into his hands and Junpei blinks down at the folder like an oblivious idiot. “I didn’t want to fail, so just act like you did the work. It’s due today anyway.”

Junpei honestly doesn’t know what to say.

“Thanks, man.” He says with an oblivious awkwardness in his voice. He feels like an idiot and a jerk, just showing up without a word and not even considering all the work that he missed. Sure, he’s had plenty of other things to worry about over the past few days. Looking for a new apartment, ignoring his parents (who suddenly want to start talking to him again), trying to convince his professors that he  _ does _ have a good reason that he missed so much school – not that a week is really  _ that  _ much – without telling them a story that they surely won’t believe, keeping in touch with Seven, Lotus, Clover, and Snake, and trying to keep himself all the way together.

Hopefully he can get  _ some _ of that off his plate soon.

“You can repay me by answering my question. Where the hell have you been, dude? You just like, vanished. Even the professor had no idea where you were when I asked.” His lab partner leans his elbows on the desk and sets his chin in his palms. Junpei can’t help but stare at his arms. He tries to be subtle about it, but it’s not always easy. Junpei hasn’t really bothered to collect a ton of information about his lab partner. He knows that he’s American. He knows that he’s here on a study abroad program that Junpei had declined – maybe he should have just gone along with it – to study Japanese and biology. He knows that the two of them were paired up because Junpei had tried to be an English major almost a year ago and spent some time in America as a kid, so he probably speaks English better than anyone else in the class. 

And he knows that his lab partner  _ definitely _ works out. There’s no way he could have such well-defined muscles in his arms if he didn’t, and Junpei isn’t sure how he feels about the fact that it was one of the first things he noticed about him when they were paired up.

“It’s complicated.” Junpei breathes a sigh through his nose and sets his hand on his palm in return. He looks away from his lab partner – not too hard, with the hideous blue jumpsuit that the guy always seems to be wearing. “Just call it a family emergency.”

“Seriously?” Junpei can practically hear the raised eyebrow in the guy’s voice. Sure, just saying ‘family emergency’ definitely isn’t enough to be a satisfying answer when he didn’t even inform his professor, but Junpei can’t really say much of anything about that. It isn’t as though the two of  _ them _ had come into his house and told him to email his professors that he’d be gone for a few days before gassing him and dragging him halfway around the world. A little notice would have been nice.

“It was a really big emergency.” Junpei follows up, hoping that will be enough for his lab partner to drop it. Of course, he’s obviously dreaming when he thinks such a thing. Maybe it’s just an American thing, to be so unreasonably nosy.

“Dude, I did all your half of the work.” His lab partner groans. “You can tell me a little bit about where you were. If it was such a big emergency that you couldn’t even email the professor–”

“I was in America.” Junpei sighs. “I didn’t think to email them because it was a big,  _ private _ , emergency.” He says somewhat pointedly, and his lab partner certainly seems dejected at the statement. Luckily he doesn’t press further. Junpei appreciates that. He doesn’t particularly want to come up with some complicated lie, and he most certainly doesn’t want to tell the truth.

“Alright, whatever.” His lab partner huffs in annoyance. “Hope everything’s okay, man. You know you don’t look too good, right?” He looks over at Junpei, and suddenly he looks strangely soft. Like he just realized that a ‘family emergency’ might mean something really bad, and he should probably check in before he lets the topic fade. “You look like you haven’t slept in a week.”

Junpei probably hasn’t slept properly in a week.

“Yeah.” He grumbles, rubbing his hands over his face in some feeble attempt to iron out the wrinkles and maybe even make himself look somewhat put together. It isn’t going to work, of course, but he can certainly try. It’s the first class he’s been to since he was kidnapped, so he thinks some roughness is acceptable. 

Not that anyone else knows that.

Not that he really plans for there to be any other classes.

“Look, Junpei,” His lab partner says it as though he’s not entirely sure whether he can use it. It’s understandable. He is American. Junpei doesn’t plan to correct him. He isn’t the biggest fan of using his surname. “I know we’re not, like, close or anything, but–”

“Yeah, I get it, man.” Junpei gives his lab partner the best smile he can muster. It isn’t really much, but it’s better than nothing. At least in his book. “It’s not much to talk about.” He lies, because of  _ course _ it’s much to talk about.

“There’s a really good bar not that far away from here.” His lab partner offers with a strange air of politeness to him. Junpei never thought Americans could be so considerate. “You’re old enough to drink, right? Isn’t the drinking age in Japan 20?” He tilts his head to the side, as though dedicating a substantial amount of his brain power to thinking about it. “If you’re free after class, wanna grab a drink?”

Junpei never thought his biology lab partner, an American with a name that Junpei can only remember laughing at once before promptly forgetting that he’d ever heard, would be offering him a drink at 3 in the afternoon. Junpei has never been much for alcohol. Not for any particular reason. He just never really saw the appeal, even after he was old enough to go to bars on his own or with friends. 

~~ Not that he’s ever had friends to go with. ~~

He can’t say it’s an unwelcome invitation.

“Yeah, sure.” He finds himself saying before he can really think about it. “Just gotta text my–” He stops, blinks, frowns. What does he call Seven and Lotus, exactly? They’re not his parents, and they’re not his guardians. He isn’t texting them because they need to know his location or anything. He just knows that Seven is going to call him after class, ask him how it went, and start acting all worried over him. 

Really, Seven is a lot more like a worried mother than Junpei’s real mother ever was.

“Your?” His lab partner raises an eyebrow and crosses his arms over his chest. Junpei can’t help but stare, just another moment, at both his forearms and the front of that stupid blue jumpsuit. He quickly looks away, though, and pulls out his phone.

“Friends.” He settles on that word as he shoots a text off to Seven and Lotus. Using a group chat is easier than sending two texts. He isn’t sure if friends is the right word, but it’s good enough for now. “So they don’t wonder where I am.”

“They worried about you disappearing again?” He almost seems to joke, setting his chin in his palm once again and wearing an expression that almost looks like boredom. Junpei thinks this guy really just needs to pick an emotion and stick with it already.

“Yeah.” Junpei huffs in amusement, sending off another quick text for them not to worry about him. “Something like that.”


	11. Chapter 11

Junpei wonders why it took him so long to decide that alcohol was the solution to all his problems.

His lab partner – turns out his name is Sigma Klim. Junpei couldn’t help but laugh again when he heard a name as ridiculous as  _ Sigma Klim _ – got drunk pretty fast. Fast enough that Junpei had considered just giving up, calling a cab, getting him home, and going back to his nightly routine. 

Avoiding taking a shower,

~~He can’t stand the feeling of his feet being wet. Water around his ankles. It raises his heart rate and he struggles to breathe and he always ends up collapsed on the bathroom floor, gasping and panting as his hands scramble across the tile for a clue that isn’t there to a nonexistent puzzle~~.

Avoiding calling Clover,

~~ He can feel the syringe in his neck. His muscles go limp and weak. His vision goes fuzzy. He can’t breathe. He’s so tired. She hisses something into his ear as he drops into the water with a _splash_ . He can’t quite hear her. His senses are fading and the world goes black and somehow he knows that he isn’t going to be waking back up. ~~

Avoiding thinking about  _ them _ ,

_ “ ~~I wonder, which Santa am I?”~~ _

Avoiding thinking about  _ her, _

~~_ “No, silly. Use my nickname.” _ ~~

And wondering when he lost all that control he thought he had.

Alcohol makes it all so much easier.

Alcohol makes the haze in his mind start to fade the moment he takes a sip.

He still can’t take his mind off of  _ her.  _ He still can’t forget the sound of her voice or the feel of her hands or the way she looked at him with… he isn’t even sure. He can’t quite describe it and he can’t quite place it. The way she looked at him with soft eyes that seemed so  _ genuine. _ It makes him want to cry. It makes him want to throw up. It makes him want to drink.

He chooses the last one.

It was a strange experience, walking into a bar. Junpei had forgotten that he was even carrying his wallet, and that he even had an ID, and ended up just staring at the bouncer for a whole five minutes before Sigma nudged him and snapped him out of whatever episode he was having there. 

~~ He thinks it might have been the gray streaks, and how the bouncer looked like he was getting on in age. He was handsome and seemed kind at first, but Junpei could imagine him turning out to be far worse than he ever thought and he could see him with his fingers on a trigger and– ~~

Sigma had ordered the drinks, too. Said something about this being his treat, since Junpei looked like he really needed it, and Junpei really didn’t know how to say that it was probably for the best. Junpei knows he definitely couldn’t afford more than maybe one drink, and he really doesn’t want to ask Seven and Lotus for help because he went to a bar with some American and blew through all his money by accident.

Junpei hadn’t known what he wanted. He’s never gone drinking before. 

Sigma had ordered whiskey. Junpei is pretty sure the brand was American, which makes enough sense with who exactly his drinking buddy is, but that also means that Junpei has never heard of the brand before Sigma was pouring out two glasses and shoving one into Junpei’s hands like he was already drunk on the stuff before he had taken a single sip. Maybe he was. Sigma had seemed extremely excited about having a drinking buddy, and Junpei wasn’t exactly sure how to feel about that. He had tried to say something about never going out drinking before, but Sigma hadn’t seemed to care.

Sigma is an oddly affectionate drunk, on top of all the other new experiences that Junpei is having tonight. Sigma wrapping an arm around his shoulders and babbling about how weird it was that Junpei didn’t show up to class for a whole week is definitely an unexpected one. He couldn’t remember this guy’s name up until just a few hours ago, and now Sigma is acting as though they’ve known each other for years.

Junpei ignores the way his face heats up when Sigma pulls him into a one-armed side-hug and takes another sip of his whiskey.

It’s satisfying. Strangely so. The burning sensation he gets as it goes down his throat and the frankly putrid scent of the stuff would make him think that drinking it would be an entirely unpleasant experience. He can’t say that he  _ likes _ the taste, but there’s a certain satisfaction that comes with the pain it brings to his throat and the speed with which his body relaxes under the influence of it. It’s a comfortable kind of numb, once the drink is given enough time to settle. As though nothing in the whole world could rile him. 

~~ He wonders where this feeling was in that building, when he thought he was sinking and the world was going dark around him and he couldn’t breathe, no matter how hard he tried. When the world was swirling around him and he struggled for the surface but couldn’t find it. When the hand that reached out to save him turned out to only be using him to pull itself up and leave him to sink into the endless abyss of the freezing cold depths. ~~

~~ He wonders why he couldn’t have felt this way back then. ~~

With enough of this stuff, Junpei feels like he could get through anything. Maybe he could.

Maybe he could talk to Clover,

~~ Without feeling like his entire body is going to seize up at any second. Without feeling a needle that never existed poking through his skin and filling his mind and body with a vague numbness that will never fade. Without hearing the slice of an axe cutting through air and feeling the pain of such a thing separating his arm from his body and leaving him on the ground to bleed and bleed and bleed his body dry. ~~

Maybe he could take a shower,

~~ Without feeling like he can’t breathe. Without thinking of that cabin on a long-sunken ship, slowly filling with water as he desperately runs around the room, seeking a way out that seems impossible to find. Without feeling wet feet and wondering how many more hours he has until all these people he’s come to care about are forced to suffocate in that abyss with him. ~~

Maybe he could think about  _ them, _

~~ Without remembering  _ him _ holding a gun to  _ her _ head. Without remembering  _ his _ gruff voice and constant swearing and the way he held himself like he was the most important person in the room. Without remembering just how badly Junpei had wanted to punch him. Without remembering how much it hurt to find his body. ~~

Maybe he could think about  _ her, _

~~ Without wondering  _ why. _ Without asking himself, over and over again, if she ever cared about him as anything more than a means to an end. Without wondering if he was wrong to save her. Without wondering if she knows everything she put him through. Without wondering, and wondering, and wondering what on earth he’s going to say to her when he finally finds her.  ~~

Without losing what little control he has left.

He takes another sip.

“ _ Dude _ ,” Sigma leans forward, and Junpei keeps his glass hovering over his lips to hide just how red his face gets the closer Sigma gets to him. It must be the… now three glasses of whiskey that have already been drained. “You sure this is the first time you’ve gone drinking..?” Sigma slurs his words and, did Junpei not already have his nose full of a glass of whiskey, he would have to say that Sigma absolutely  _ stinks _ of the stuff.

“Yeah, pretty sure.” Junpei says back. He feels a little too light, but not in a sick way. He feels  _ too light _ . He feels like the world is being a little too nice to him and he isn’t exhausted enough or paranoid enough or terrified enough for this to be real. Every waking moment since he left that building has been torturous. It’s been exhausting. He’s wanted nothing more in the world than for the constant alarm bells to quiet and his thoughts to calm down.

Now that it’s happened, he isn’t sure what to do with it.

“You sure?” Sigma’s face scrunches up in what looks like disbelief. He stares at Junpei as though trying to take apart a lie. “For someone who’s never gone drinkin’ before, you’re real… I dunno the word.” Sigma’s face scrunches into a different emotion. Confusion? He looks like he’s deep in thought, and Junpei can’t help but find the expression even more amusing than his face of disbelief. 

Junpei isn’t really sure how he’s supposed to be acting when he’s had three glasses of whiskey and absolutely nothing else. He’s never done this before. He’s heard plenty of things about how people can act when they’re drunk. Everything from stoic men becoming ridiculously emotional, to people struggling to stay upright, to people who lose all sense of inhibition and just go around making crass jokes to everyone in sight. Junpei doesn’t think he’s any of those, at least not yet, but he supposes there’s only one way to really find out what kind of drunk he is.

He takes another sip, and finishes off his third glass of American whiskey as his American lab partner devolves into a series of stupid-sounding giggles. Junpei isn’t sure what he’s laughing at, and he doesn’t really care. Just seeing Sigma so amused is almost enough to make him laugh, too. The desire to laugh doesn’t even feel forced or fake or anything.

He feels so light.

~~ Somewhere, far in the back of his mind, he tries to figure out when the last time he felt so light was. ~~

Suddenly, everything seems so clear. The answer feels like it’s within grasp, and he doesn’t think he needs to think about what he’s going to do anymore. He knows. There isn’t a doubt in his mind, and his stomach doesn’t swirl with uncertainty or even nausea. He needs to find  _ her _ , there’s no counter argument. There’s no other possibility. 

He needs to find  _ her. _

He isn’t sure what he’ll say when he does,

~~ “How could you?” ~~

~~ “Did you even think of me before you left?” ~~

~~ “Do you know?” ~~

~~ “Do you remember?” ~~

~~ “Did you even hesitate?” ~~

~~ “Did you ever really love me?” ~~

But he knows there’s no other choice. 

He knows he can’t stomach going back. He can’t stomach returning to his life of passivity and boredom. He can’t go back to feeling like he isn’t in control. Like he’s floating through a world of people who never noticed or cared. He can’t stand it. He can’t do it.

~~ Class seems so small, now that he knows what it feels like to have your life slip through your fingers. Class seems so small, now that he knows what it feels like to watch someone burn to death before your very eyes. Class seems so very small, now that he knows what it feels like to stumble upon bodies after bodies after  _ bodies– _ ~~

“Junpeiiii!” Sigma whines, and Junpei turns to look at his drinking buddy with some level of amusement. It’s strange, going right from thinking about those things that have been haunting him to feeling amusement at his drinking buddy’s moaning. He likes it. “You’re really borin’ to drink with.” Sigma’s words slur further, and Junpei feels himself laughing before he can do anything to stop it.

“Sorry, man. Maybe you just got too drunk too fast and can’t appreciate my amazing company.” He jokes, reaching for the bottle of whiskey between them and pouring himself another glass. His fourth. He feels like he’s floating on air and there’s only one way to keep this feeling going. 

“Nah, you’re always so damn quiet.” Sigma’s face scrunches up in what looks like annoyance. “Like, dude, even before you just poofed for a week,” Sigma’s words are getting harder and harder to fully comprehend, and Junpei thinks it probably has something to do with getting intoxicated himself, “You would like, never talk. I dunno.” Sigma shrugs dramatically, and Junpei finds himself hooked on his lab partner’s analysis of his old self. “Felt like you just did what ya had to do and didn’t really give a shit, y’know?”

Junpei does know.

“Hm.” He hums lowly and tilts his head to the side, though not enough to stop him from taking another sip. The burn and smell aren’t as bad, after four glasses of the stuff. The taste is getting more and more comforting as he goes. “I did give a shit.” He mutters the one correction he has. As much as school had never been his favorite thing in the world, he  _ did _ care enough to at least try. Sure, he never had great grades. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t care.

“Okay,” Sigma concedes easily enough. Junpei isn’t sure if Sigma actually believes him or if he’s just had one too many. “Sure, but that’s not the point, man!” Sigma pokes a finger into Junpei’s chest accusingly. “You just seem, like, totally different. Y’know?” Sigma waves a hand. “Maybe not totally. You’re like, way more tense.” 

Junpei can’t argue with that.

“But the drinks’re helping!” Sigma cheers in what Junpei thinks is meant to be victory, and holds up his glass as though asking for a toast. Junpei smiles, and raises his glass to clink it against Sigma’s.

“We gotta do this again sometime,” Sigma slurs and then downs the entire glass in one sip.

“Yeah,” Junpei nods, following his lab partner’s lead. “We totally do.”

  
  



	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! Figured it would be appropriate to post the next update on my birthday ^^
> 
> Enjoy the angst!

Junpei drops out of school the next day.

It isn’t an impulse decision. It isn’t something he does because of the lingering effects of a shared bottle of whiskey, or the pounding in his head that drew him out of the most peaceful sleep he’s had since the building. He doesn’t do it because he’s confused or unsure or afraid or because he thinks it’s the right path. 

No, Junpei’s head is clearer than it’s been in a long time. He knows what he needs to do. He knows what he needs to do for himself, for his own sanity and for the sake of that something, burning in the back of his mind that needs to know  _ why. _ He needs to do this for the sake of his sanity. For the knowledge that it’s something he chose for himself. 

It’s something no one wanted for him, and something that he wanted for himself.

He doesn’t tell Seven or Lotus, before he sends the email to the head of his college and the relevant paperwork along with it. He probably should have at least sent them a head’s up, but part of him knew that they would try to talk him out of it. Maybe they would be right to try and talk him out of it, but Junpei doesn’t particularly care. He’s made his decision, and he’s going to stick with it. 

What he does do, once he sends the emails, is drop onto his couch and wonder what on earth he’s going to do next.

He still hasn’t been able to find a new apartment. Not one that he can afford, anyway. Everywhere is either too expensive or too unsafe. The only places he can find that don’t make his muscles tense up and his stomach clench are those that are  _ just _ expensive enough to not be feasible. Seven and Lotus keep offering to help him pay for a new place. Junpei keeps refusing. No matter how desperate he is to get out of the place that only sends his skin crawling every time he walks through the front door. The place that forces him to stop, wait, breathe, before he can even make his way inside.

He owes them enough as it is. He owes them enough that he can’t even consider asking for any more. What kind of friend would he be, taking and taking and taking and never giving back?

Maybe he needs to learn to be a little more selfish.

~~ Maybe  _ she _ never would have used him if he was. ~~

He’s going to be asking Seven for a pretty big favor soon enough. There’s no way he can justify asking for help paying for an apartment  _ and _ help getting a job. Maybe it will solve both his problems. Getting a job means more money, and means that he’ll be more self-sufficient than he’s ever been. No more part-time jobs that never last longer than maybe two months.

At least, he hopes not.

He should probably call Seven next. Or Lotus. Or Clover. Or Snake. He should call someone. He should do something. He shouldn’t just sit on the couch and stare at the ceiling like a moron, wondering what he’s going to do after dropping out of college. He should pick up his phone and call and–

The phone is in his hand before he can register it. 

Before he knows it, he’s dialing Seven’s number. It’s a quiet, oppressive silence as he waits for the phone to stop ringing. He never called Seven last night – probably good, with how drunk he was by the time he got home – and he remembers feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket the whole way home. Someone was probably worried about him.

The phone picks up on the third ring.

_ “Junpei??”  _ Seven’s voice comes through the phone loud enough to just make the pounding in his skull worse. Junpei hisses in pain and pulls the phone away from his ear. Why does everyone have to talk so loud into the phone?  _ “Are you okay?? Lotus and I texted you a bunch of times last night but you never–” _

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Junpei tries to speak like someone who doesn’t have any lingering effects of a hangover. “I told you not to worry. I was out with a classmate.” He uses the simplest word he can to describe Sigma. He doesn’t think the word ‘friend’ applies just yet, and since he’s dropping out before he can even talk to his former lab partner again, it probably never will. Sigma did drunkenly scribble his number on a napkin and shove it into Junpei’s hands, so maybe that will be different.

He can’t be quite sure yet.

_ “Yeah, but you didn’t call when you got home or anything.” _ Seven continues with an obvious frown in his voice. At least his volume has gone down, and the pounding in Junpei’s skull is getting a bit less severe. It’s certainly not the worst headache he’s ever had, but he wouldn’t say it’s particularly enjoyable.

Junpei would say it’s worth it, though. The headache and the small pull of nausea in his stomach and the way his entire body feels just a bit off. None of it is even slightly unfamiliar to him, after the past week of struggling to get himself together. Except, this time, the unpleasant things came along with an incomprehensible lightness. This time, it came with a good night’s sleep and the ability to  _ breathe _ without feeling like something is trying to squeeze the life out of him.

Junpei would have to say that he really likes drinking. He gets why Seven was so determined to drink the medicinal alcohol back in the laboratory in that building.

~~ Would Seven remember that, if Junpei asked? ~~

~~ He doesn’t know the answer. ~~

“Yeah, I was pretty drunk.” Junpei laughs. He can tell that Seven is surprised. He remembers then that he hadn’t actually  _ told _ Seven and Lotus that he and Sigma were out drinking, but that doesn’t matter, does it? “I just kinda passed out once I was home.” He raises a hand to rub through his hair. He still hasn’t gotten it cut, and he’ll have to do that before it starts obstructing his vision. 

_ “So you went out drinking with a classmate?” _ If nothing else, Seven doesn’t sound annoyed or anything. More relieved, and maybe a bit understanding. Junpei figures that it isn’t that strange for college students to go out drinking, and Seven didn’t know him before all this happened. He doesn't know that Junpei never had much interest in alcohol, or any friends to go drinking with. Seven doesn’t know that last night was the lightest and most unburdened that Junpei has felt since his kidnapping. 

Perhaps Seven does know about how light alcohol makes you feel. Maybe that’s why he had wanted some so badly back in that building.

“Yeah. My lab partner in bio.” Junpei frowns. Maybe he should call Sigma to tell him that he dropped out. Maybe he shouldn’t. The professor will actually know about it this time, so–

_ “Huh. Didn’t expect that.” _ Seven sounds mildly amused, and Junpei finds the tone both pleasant and annoying. _ “Thought you’d be all sulky and stick to yourself.” _ Seven almost seems to joke, before bursting into a more boisterous laugh. He must be happy about something. Junpei can’t imagine that he’d be so happy about Junpei drinking with a classmate. _ “So, about–” _

“Oh.” Junpei interrupts. He figures he should get it out there before Seven can say anything else. “And I dropped out.”

There’s a long moment of silence. Junpei isn’t sure what he’s expecting. He knows that his chest tightens and his fingers clench themselves around his phone and the pounding in his head is getting worse. He doesn’t think Seven will be angry. Seven isn’t the one paying for his school, and Seven isn’t his legal guardian. He’s been supportive, so far. He’s been helpful and kind, so–

_ “If you think that’s the right decision, then it’s the right decision.”  _ Seven says it calmly and quietly. Junpei thinks he can hear disappointment, maybe, but he can’t quite be sure. _ “You wanna start looking for her, yeah? For the both of them?” _

“Yeah.” Junpei almost takes a breath of relief. “Can you help me out with that? Gonna need a job if I don’t wanna end up wandering the streets.” He forces himself to laugh. It felt much better when he had burning alcohol running through his veins and the world was light as a feather on his shoulders. 

_ “Yeah, I got you.” _ Seven answers with a swift decisiveness that tells Junpei that he was absolutely prepared for this. Maybe he knew all along that Junpei wouldn’t be staying in school, no matter how many classes he went to. Maybe he was just prepared for the worst.  _ “I know a few agencies that are looking for new detectives. If I give you a good reference, at least one of ‘em should take you.” _

“Thanks, man.” Junpei breathes a sigh of relief. “It’s a huge help. I really appreciate it.” 

_ “It’s nothing.” _ Seven answers almost immediately. His voice is heavy and possibly annoyed. Junpei isn’t sure if it’s his tone or the phone scrambling his intent.  _ “Just be careful, alright? If you ever need anything–” _

“I know. Thanks.” Junpei smiles to himself. He can’t help the feeling of reassurance at Seven’s continued offers of kindness. Maybe he just isn’t used to it. People have been so strangely kind to him the past week. Does he really look that pathetic? “How’s Lotus doing?”

_ “She’s doing fine, Junpei.” _ Seven says it simply.  _ “She’s spending some time with her daughters.” _

“Asked her to that fancy dinner yet?” Junpei gives the most teasing tone he can muster. He’s absolutely certain that, wherever Seven is right now, he’s just turned a bright shade of red and covered his face with one of his hands. Junpei wishes he were there right now, if only to take the chance to cackle, jam an elbow into Seven’s side, and make another joke that ended with something along the lines of ‘go get her.’

~~ Maybe then, Junpei would be able to suffocate that feeling, deep in his stomach, that he thinks most people call  _ longing. _ ~~

~~ Maybe it would be easier if he had a drink in his hand. ~~

_ “Hey, now!” _ Seven sounds about as flustered as a teenager about to ask out his highschool crush.  _ “I’m working on it.”  _ Junpei hears him give an audible  _ hmph _ of frustration, and can’t help the laugh that bubbles to the surface once again. There must be some of that alcohol still hanging over him, making it so much easier to laugh.  _ “She’s been real busy, so I just wanna make sure that I’m not overstepping my bounds or anything.”  _

“Such a gentleman.” Junpei teases. It definitely has something to do with the alcohol. There’s no way he can see the Junpei of last week, two days ago, even yesterday, saying something like that so straightforwardly. He wonders how long the feeling will last. It’s certainly not as strong as it was last night. If it was, then that feeling wouldn’t be pulling so violently at his gut. But it’s still there. Hanging over him like some kind of light forcibly warding off all that darkness that tried so hard to suffocate him.

“You know she’s gonna say yes, right?” Junpei continues when he hears Seven  _ hmph _ again. “If she said no, I’d be shocked.”

_ “Have you ever asked a girl out on a date, Junpei?” _ Seven asks, with that voice that adults get when they’re about to go into a long lecture about something that’s more subjective than fact. It’s a tone that Junpei is mostly familiar with, and one that’s almost amusing on its own. It’s far friendlier than one might expect such a tone to be.

“Well, a bunch of girls have asked me out on a date. A few guys, too.” He replies with a casual tone. It’s a shock to him, too. He’s never been able to be so casual about such a thing before. He can’t decide if it’s the alcohol, or if it’s because Seven already knows and didn’t turn him away a long time ago. “But I’ve never asked someone out.”

_ “Then let me tell you something about asking a woman out.” _ Seven continues, and Junpei nods along into the phone. Sure, Seven can’t see him, but Junpei is allowed to be amused on his own, even without an audience to agree with him.  _ “If you’re not nervous, then you don’t really have any interest in her. You wanna know why?” _

“Why?” Junpei raises an eyebrow, even though the only place he can direct it is towards the wall.

_ “Because, if you’re nervous, then it means you’ve got something to lose. If you aren’t nervous, you don’t have anything to lose.” _ Junpei has to admit, Seven has a point. It makes sense to him, at least.  _ “That’s how I know I really like her.”  _ Seven continues.  _ “Even though I’m sure she’s gonna say yes, I’m nervous as hell anyway.” _

“Huh.” Junpei nods slightly. The amusement fades away, after another few moments, and Junpei just nods to himself. “Good luck then, Seven.”

_ “Thanks. Good luck with the agencies, man. I’ll let you know if I hear anything.” _

Junpei hangs up first. Quietly, with the same frown on his face. He stares at his phone for another few seconds. He thinks he must be reaching the end of whatever it was that kept that feeling hanging over him, because the  _ longing _ in his gut is growing stronger. It’s starting to hurt. 

~~ He wonders if he’ll be nervous, when he sees  _ her _ again. ~~

He doesn’t let himself think about it.


	13. Chapter 13

Junpei really wasn’t expecting to get a call from Sigma Klim of all people.

He doesn’t remember giving Sigma his phone number in the first place, so he’s  _ really _ surprised when he gets a call from an unknown number, picks up expecting one of those agencies that Seven mentioned, and hears an extremely annoyed-sounding male voice shouting into the phone.

_ “You’re  _ dropping out _!?” _ Sigma demands, and Junpei is seriously getting sick of having to hold the phone at arm’s length.

Junpei really doesn’t feel like explaining. Especially not over the phone. Especially not to a former classmate from a school that he never plans to return to. Especially not to someone who doesn’t understand. He doesn’t think someone like Sigma  _ could _ ever understand. Someone who has never tasted death and someone who has never felt their agency ebb and flow like the tide on a beach and someone who has never been abandoned by someone their entire being still  _ aches _ for–

How is he supposed to explain all of that to someone whose name he couldn’t even remember until a day or two ago?

Maybe this would be easier with a drink in his hand. 

“Yeah.” He gives the simplest response he can. “Sorry, man. More family stuff. I don’t have time for school right now.” He lies through his teeth as confidently as he can. He doesn’t really care if Sigma buys it. Sigma was never going to be someone capable of changing Junpei’s mind, and that’s certainly not going to change after he’s already made his decision. 

_ “You didn’t tell me you were–”  _ Sigma interrupts himself, seemingly to calm himself down. Junpei isn’t exactly sure.  _ “Dude, you came back for  _ one class _ and you’re already dropping out?? Are you sure you don’t wanna talk about–” _

“I don’t.” Junpei jumps in before Sigma can even finish the question. He doesn’t want to talk about it. Certainly not with someone who doesn’t know the circumstances and likely wouldn’t believe them if explained. “It’s a pretty complicated situation, so I don’t want to dump all that on your shoulders, man.” He takes a deep breath, about to open his mouth and apologize for suddenly dropping out. Not because he regrets dropping out. He doesn’t think he will regret it, and even if he does it hasn’t been long enough for him to regret it. 

No, he really just wants to apologize for leaving Sigma without a lab partner. As far as Junpei knows, no one else in their class could speak English quite as well as Junpei, and Sigma still struggles pretty significantly with his Japanese. Surely the professor will be able to figure out some kind of solution. From what Junpei knows, Sigma is a smart guy. He’s good at biology, and he had said something last night between his drunken rambles about going for a PhD in some science that Junpei hadn’t been paying attention enough to catch. 

_ “Wanna get a drink again tonight?” _ Sigma interrupts Junpei’s plan with a single question.  _ “Even if you don’t wanna talk about anything, it can’t hurt, right? Seems like whatever’s going on is pretty stressful, if you had to drop out of school for it.” _ It sounds like Sigma’s unsure about this. Maybe he is.

“Yeah.” Junpei finds himself nodding, even into the phone. He finds himself almost excited. Wanting to go back to a bar with his former lab partner and get lost in the light feeling of a drink and someone who won’t stop rambling like a child with a little bit more to discuss. “Sounds good, man. It would probably help a lot.”

_ “Great. Uh, same place same time?”  _ Sigma asks like he’s still somewhat unsure. Maybe a bit surprised. He probably didn’t think Junpei would accept the invitation.  _ “Dunno if I can afford to buy all the booze this time, though, so just be careful.” _

“Sure.” Junpei laughs and leans his head back. “See you then.”

_ “Yeah, see you man.” _

Sigma hangs up first. Junpei sets his phone aside, takes a deep breath, and thinks that maybe calling Sigma Klim a friend wouldn’t be so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit short, but the next one is really long to make up for it!
> 
> Enjoy!


	14. Chapter 14

Drinking with Sigma Klim becomes a regular occurrence pretty fast.

Even after Junpei manages to get a job at one of those agencies Seven mentioned – what a coincidence, that the one Junpei manages to snag a position in is the one that Seven has actually started working for in recent years – and fills his days with more than simply staring at the walls and trying not to remember so many things that he knows he’ll never forget. He’s never worked in a real office before, and Seven was the one to show him the ropes. 

The chief – is that what they’re called? Junpei doesn’t know. He’s never worked for a detective agency before – had called him and Seven into her office, looked Junpei up and down, and turned to Seven with eyes that were stern enough that Junpei might have been afraid of her, before a certain chain of events.

“I’m trusting you on this kid, Honma.” She had said, as though she wasn’t so sure about him. “Don’t let me down.”

Junpei has to assume that his hiring was only due to Seven cashing in some sort of favor with this woman. It makes him feel bad. Just a little. He has to hope that he won’t get Seven in trouble if he finds that the job is harder than Seven made it out to be. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Seven had said. “Just do what the chief tells you to do and soon enough you’ll be one of the top detectives.” He explained it as though he were more than confident in Junpei’s abilities. Maybe he is. Junpei certainly can’t say that he shares the sentiment. 

The first few days are pretty simple. Seven shows him around the office, the other detectives look at him like he’s a crazy person or a child or both. A few of them ask how he and Seven know each other, and Junpei has no idea what to tell them. Saying that they met when they both got kidnapped doesn’t seem appropriate. Seven steps in and says that Junpei is the son of a friend and Seven is doing them a favor. Junpei thinks it’s a good lie, but he isn’t sure how long they’ll be able to keep that one going for. 

A few people ask why Junpei calls him Seven, instead of Hirotaka or Honma or some nickname that comes from either of those two. Junpei doesn’t have an answer for that one either, and honestly neither does Seven. Junpei should probably just teach himself to use Seven’s real name if it’s going to cause a problem like that. 

“It’s just a nickname from a game we used to play when he was a kid.” Seven finally comes up with an explanation, rubbing a hand over his head as Junpei nods along with his words. “It kinda stuck, so he still uses it. Not gonna cause a problem, is it?”

The detectives all huff in amusement, shake their heads, and go back to their work. Junpei thinks that Seven has both solved their problem while simultaneously creating a brand new one that Junpei will have to deal with. 

For the first few weeks, he’s just tailing Seven on cases. It makes enough sense. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, Seven does. He follows with a notepad and marks down important evidence. Seven asks for his opinion a few times. Junpei takes a look at every crime scene and finds it shocking that none of them disgust him. He never feels that familiar surge of nausea. He never feels what he did when they found that body behind door number three.

~~ He wonders if Seven would remember that, should Junpei ask. ~~

~~ He doesn’t ask. ~~

There’s gore. There’s a lot of gore, in this job. Seven probably warned him about it. Junpei probably didn’t care. There’s a lot of blood and bodies and Junpei knows that he wouldn’t have been able to take it before. It would have been too much. 

Now, however. Blood and gore and bodies feel like just another day. 

~~ He knows it isn’t a good thing. He can’t bring himself to care. ~~

It’s shocking to him just how easy it is to solve so many of the cases they’re given. Crime scenes are surprisingly similar to those puzzle rooms in that building smack in the middle of Nevada. There are clues. Hints. And putting them in the right places gives you what you need. He solves three of Seven’s murder cases, and they all end with Seven clapping him on the back and saying that he knew Junpei was up to it. 

The job gets easier every week.

Junpei actually has the money to buy his own drinks now.

Going to the bar after work becomes an almost nightly occurrence. Sometimes he goes with co workers – typically not Seven. He joins, sometimes, but he’s been busy since he actually managed to ask Lotus out. They usually go out together after work, and Junpei can’t say he blames them. Seven invites him along, sometimes, but Junpei always says no. He can’t intrude on their dates – and sometimes he goes alone. But, most often, he’s joined by Sigma Klim. 

Maybe it’s weird that Junpei still drinks with his former lab partner. Sigma doesn’t seem to think so, and Junpei really doesn’t care. He likes being drunk. He likes going home with a half-empty bottle of whiskey, and he likes falling asleep with the bottle close enough to reach for it as soon as wakes up. 

He knows it’s not good for him to drink so much. He thinks Seven’s started to notice how much he drinks. He thinks Seven notices that he bought a flask, a few weeks after he and Sigma started going to bars. He’s sure that Seven notices him taking drinks during the day. Maybe Seven thinks it’s getting out of control.

Junpei doesn’t think so. At least, not yet.

It keeps him calm. It makes it easier. There aren’t many cases that don’t come with a level of gore and violence that most aren’t accustomed to. Most are about on par with that  _ scene _ he found behind door number three. 

He doesn’t feel as nauseous, when he examines a murder scene after a few sips of alcohol. He doesn’t feel as sick. He doesn’t feel as many emotions  _ crash _ over him. He doesn’t feel like he wants to run and run and run until he can just forget everything that led him here. He doesn’t mind the blood and the stench of  _ death _ when it can mix with the far more appealing smell of whiskey. 

It takes six weeks for him to make detective.

The chief says something about Seven being right – of course, she uses his real name. Junpei doesn’t find it  _ as _ unfitting as he used to, but it still shocks him just how strange Seven’s real name sounds to him – to cash in his favor to get Junpei hired. Junpei still feels bad about it. Seven continues to assure him that, should he need anything else, he and Lotus are happy to help him out. 

Junpei thinks that, if Seven and Lotus  _ ever _ owed him anything – he still isn’t sure that they ever did – then they’ve already long repaid him for it. He doesn’t know how to explain it to them, though, so he sticks to turning down their offers and continuing on his way.

~~ There’s only one thing he wants, anyway. And he knows that neither Seven nor Lotus can give it to him. ~~

Junpei can’t say that he particularly enjoys detective work. Even as he appears to have a knack for putting puzzles together and getting an answer on the other end, he can’t say that it brings him any kind of pleasure. Perhaps it did at first, when he still wasn’t quite sure in his own abilities and every solved case felt like an accomplishment. When Seven would clap him on the back and congratulate him and Junpei felt like he had done something worthy of praise. When the feeling of solving a crime was comparable to the feeling of finally getting them out of one of those puzzle rooms in that building. 

Once he’s been doing it for long enough, it isn’t quite as satisfying. Any lingering feelings of disgust that he felt when he laid eyes on a body or a pile of gore or whatever else this job could throw at him melts away. 

He never wanted to get used to the sight of a body,

But, now that he has, he can’t say he feels anything but numb about it.

He reminds himself why he’s doing this often. He reminds himself every time he sees a body that reminds him  _ just a bit too much _ of what that corpse behind door number three looked like. Every time he finds a corpse that reminds him of one of the people who were trapped in that building with him. He reminds himself why he’s doing this, the first time he pulls the cover off a victim and, instead of feeling disgust or surprise or even horror at just how  _ mangled _ the corpse is, all he can feel is quiet grief.

He tries not to be too disgusted with himself, when even that fades.

Instead, he takes a drink.

Sigma says that Junpei seems a little too excited to get his hands on alcohol every night. Junpei can’t say he agrees.

Sigma asks a lot of questions. Mostly about how Junpei’s family is doing. Sometimes about what Junpei is doing with his time. His only answer is that he’s working. He says that he’s working to support his family. Sigma asks if Junpei is ever planning to come back to school, and Junpei doesn’t know what to say. 

He says he isn’t sure, and Sigma seems satisfied with that answer.

Junpei stops getting assigned murder cases, and starts getting more complicated files shoved onto the end of his desk by people who either look annoyed by his existence or don’t seem to care. The first case of this batch is one that Junpei isn’t quite sure he’s prepared for.

Organ ring. Busting an organ ring. 

It’s certainly different from a basic murder case.

By now, Junpei is numb to death. It doesn’t scare him anymore. Corpses and gore and blood don’t phase him. He remembers the body of the 9th man, sitting behind the number five door, and wonders if Seven will remember that one too. 

~~ No. Seven  _ will _ remember that one. The question is if Seven will remember Junpei going with him. ~~

He remembers the corpse that everyone thought was Snake, behind door number three. Those two were far worse than anything Junpei has seen since, no matter how much the stench of blood and gore brings him back to the shower room, deep within that building. 

He isn’t quite sure what it is about the idea of an organ trafficking ring that makes him so sick to his stomach. He doesn’t really care. He knows why he’s here, and he knows what he needs to do. His feelings on the case aren’t what’s important here.

He takes a drink from his flask, gathers the files, and gets on his way.


End file.
